BBS Toolkit/BBS Toolkit.iso/doors_2/tqotd455.zip/TQOTD.BBS

File List | 1992-04-29 | 337KB | 9,882 lines

*
He's dead Jim.  You take his phaser, I'll take his wallet!
*
Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #1

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #2

A truck backed through my winshield into my wife's face.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #3

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #4

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

*
Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #5

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest in
the bush with just his rearend showing.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #6

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a
fractured skull.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #7

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #8

When I saw that I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and
susequently crashed into the other car.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #9

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law in
the other seat and head over the embankment.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #10

I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had the accident.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #11

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #12

I first saw the slow moving, sad-faced old gentleman when he bounced off
the hood of my car.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #13

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
corner without giving any signal.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #14

The telephone pole was approaching fast.  I was attempting to swerve out of
its way when it struck my front end.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #15

A pedestrian I did not see, hit me, then went sliding under my car.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #16

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

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Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #17

The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by
steering it into the other vehicle.

*
Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #18

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

*
Tilden Rental Car Insurance Claim #19

I had been learning to drive with power steering.  I turned the wheel to what
I thought was enough and found my self in a different direction going in the
opposite direction.

*
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
*
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
lost.
*
A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
magician.
*
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the
greatest damage.
*
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
*
A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
*
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.
*
A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen
tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why
it didn't happen.
*
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly
knowledge.
*
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
*
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
*
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
*
A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.
*
Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
*
Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
*
Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...
*
Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
safety of reminiscence.
*
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
*
Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.
*
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
*
All things are possible.
Except skiing through a revolving door.
*
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
person.
*
All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
*
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
*
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.
*
All's well that ends.
*
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
*
Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death
your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.
*
Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
fortune.
*
Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting
in their best interests.
*
Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
*
Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.
*
Ambition is the curse of the political class.
*
Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
special case.
*
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.
*
An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.
*
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
*
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows absolutely everything about nothing.
*
An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.
*
An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.
*
An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.
*
Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.
*
Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
*
Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
the component's irreplaceability.
*
Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one
loophole.
*
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
*
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
Anyone can handle a crisis.
*
It's everyday living that kills you.
*
Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good
enough condition not to have to.
*
Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
pursued with passion.
*
As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.
*
As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
*
Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
*
At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
cannot be undone.
*
Don't ASSUME because you will make an ASS out of U and ME.
*
Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
*
Bankers are the assassins of hope.
*
Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
*
Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
*
Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.
*
There's no intelligent life down here.
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
*
Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
*
Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
*
Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
*
Black holes are outa sight!
*
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
*
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.
*
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
*
Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
circles.
*
Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
*
Bullshit baffles brains.
*
By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.
*
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
Cheer up.
The first hundred years are the hardest!
*
Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you
reach it.
*
Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
*
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
*
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
rely on it.
*
Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
*
Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want
to use it.
*
Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
*
Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.
*
Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to
fall on the same dates.
*
Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
*
Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.
*
Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body
makes its own cholesterol.
*
Diogenes is still searching.
*
Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.
*
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two
small steps.
*
Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
*
Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.
*
Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't
get up.
*
Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.
*
Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
*
Dr. Faustus, call your service.
*
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the
country.
*
Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
*
Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
confer degrees.
*
Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.
*
Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end
*
Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.
*
Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
*
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
*
Every family tree has some sap.
*
Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own
policy.
*
Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
*
Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.
*
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
*
Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
the Atlantic Ocean.
*
Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
is, nearly everything is forbidden.
*
Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only
thing.
*
Excellence is an option that is renewable.
*
Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
*
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
*
Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.
*
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
*
Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
*
Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.
*
Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
*
Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow
hard-hearted.
*
Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
*
Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
*
Fear is no great respecter of reason.
*
Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.
*
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
*
Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.
*
For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
*
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
*
Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as
it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.
*
Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
*
Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.
*
Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
*
Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.
*
Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
a "Pearl Harbor file".
*
Give me an example of pro and con.
Progress and Congress.
*
Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.
*
God can't alter history, so he created historians.
*
God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.
*
God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows
through.
*
Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
*
Half of conversation is listening.
*
Have a nice day...somewhere else.
*
He is all fault who has no fault at all.
*
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
*
He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
*
He who endures, wins.
*
He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the
seventh.
*
He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
will do very few things at all.
*
He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.
*
He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.
*
He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
*
He who would leap high must take a long run.
*
He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.
*
Hell is l is a city much like Newark.
*
Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.
*
History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
*
History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as
farce.
*
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
*
Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...
*
How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?
When his lips are moving.
*
How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the
phrase "old-fashioned" ?
*
How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door
you're on.
*
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
*
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean ?
*
If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.
*
If all else fails, read the destructions.
*
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
reach a conclusion.
*
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

 *
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community
consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Yankee, n.     In Europe, an American.
In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander.
In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMYANK.)
                         - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
                         - Josh Billings, "The Kicker"
*
Universal suffrage is the government of a house by its nursery.
                         - Otto von Bismarck
*
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
                         - Derek Bok, 1978
*
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
                         - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
*
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.'
They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.'
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home,
but unlike charity, it should end there.
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
                         - Clare Boothe Luce
*
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
                         - Victor Borge
*
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand,
but we must build as if the sand were stone.
                         - Jorge Luis Borges, 1972
*
We never know whether we are victors or whether we are defeated.
                    - Jorge Luis Borges, "Borges On Writing", 1974
*
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts
and still be entirely uneducated.
                         - Alec Bourne, "A Doctor's Creed"
*
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue
to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant
may prove to be our executioner.
                         - General Omar Bradley
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
                         - Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
                         - Sam Brown, in "Washington Post", 1977
*
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
                         - Matthew Browne, "Lilliput Levee"
*
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically
reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
                         - Anita Bryant, 1977
*
Before you kill something make sure you have something better
to replace it with; something better than political opportunist
slamming hate horseshit in the public park.
                 - Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man", 1969
*
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
                 - George Bush speaking to Ferdinand Marcos, June 1981
*
The final lesson of Viet Nam is that no great nation
can long afford to be sundered by a memory.
                         - George Bush, 1989 Inaugural Address
*
The caribou love [the Alaska oil pipeline].
They run up against it, and they have babies.
                         - George Bush, 1988
                              and again "New York Times", 3 April 1989
*
It would be inappropriate for the President of the United States
to try to fine-tune for the people of Hungary how they ought to eat -
how the cow out to eat the cabbage, as we say in the United States.
                    - George Bush, quoted in "Philadelphia Inquirer",
                              13 July 1989
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
                         - Nicholas Murray Butler
*
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense
to know how to lie well.
                         - Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven.
Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?
                         - Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
                         - Lord Byron, "Don Juan", 1818
*
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
                         - James B. Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 1926
*
Men willingly believe what they wish.
                         - Julius Caesar
*
What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story.
And the greatest good is little enough:
for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams.
                         - Pedro Calderon de la Barca, "Life is a Dream"
*
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
                         - Arthur Calwell, 1968
*
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
                         - Simon Cameron
*
Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.
                         - Albert Camus, "The Rebel", 1951
*
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
                         - Al Capone
*
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
                         - Al Capone
*
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
                         - Al Capp, in "Esquire", 1970
*
It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely
proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.
                         - Alex Carey
*
Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability
in the Middle East.
                         - Jimmy Carter, 31 December 1977
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
                         - Wynn Catlin
*
As long as people will accept crap,
it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
                         - Dick Cavett, in "Playboy", 1971
*
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
                         - Luis Cernuda, "Las Ruinas"
*
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women,
French to men, and German to my horse.
                         - Charles V, King of France
*
In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.
                         - Cesar Chavez
*
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
                         - Chinese proverb
*
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
                         - Chuang Tzu
*
I like a man who grins when he fights.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
                         - Winston Churchill
*
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
                         - Winston Churchill, Speech, January 1952
*
Preparation, knowledge, and discipline can deal with any form of danger.
                         - Tom Clancy, "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER", 1984
*
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?
                         - Ramsey Clark
*
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God,
but to create him.
                         - Arthur C. Clarke
*
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
                         - Eldridge Cleaver, 1968
*
The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
                         - Eldridge Cleaver, "Soul on Ice", 1968
*
America is the only nation in history which miraculously
has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without
the usual interval of civilization.
                         - Georges Clemenceau, 1 December 1945
*
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
                         - Georges Clemenceau
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
                         - Confucius
*
When we see persons of worth, we should think of equaling them;
when we see persons of a contrary character,
we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.
                         - Confucius
*
Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime,
but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Truth is a river that is always splitting up into arms that reunite.
Islanded between the arms the inhabitants argue for a lifetime
as to which is the main river.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones
who will be writing about you.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
Youth is a period of missed opportunities.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
                         - Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
                         - Joseph Conrad, "Lord Jim", 1900
*
The horror! The horror!
                         - Joseph Conrad, "Heart of Darkness", 1902
*
I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and
invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people.
                         - Calvin Coolidge, Speech, 21 September 1928
*
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
                         - Laurence Coughlin
*
A man feared that he might find an assassin;
Another that he might find a victim.
One was more wise than the other.
               - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I stood upon a high place, and saw, below, many devils,
running, leaping, and carousing in sin.
One looked up, grinning, and said, "Comrade! Brother!"
                - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I walked in a desert.
And I cried,
"Ah, God, take me from this place!"
A voice said, "It is no desert."
I cried, "Well, but---
"The sand, the heat, the vacant horizon."
A voice said, "It is no desert."
                  - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                              1895
*
I was in the darkness;
I could not see my words
Nor the wishes of my heart.
Then suddenly there was a great light---
"Let me into the darkness again."
                 - Stephan Crane, "The Black Riders and Other Lines",
                             1895
*
There is growing evidence that smoking has pharamacological ...
effects that are of real value to smokers.
                      - Joseph F. Cullman III (Pres. of Phillip Morris)
                           Annual Report to Stockholders, 1962
*
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
                         - William Thomas Cummings, 1942
*
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days.
An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to
make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
                         - the 14th Dalai Lama, interview in "TIME",
                              11 April 1988
*
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time
of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
                         - Dante
*
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
and the second half by our children.
                         - Clarence Darrow
*
There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court.
                         - Clarence Darrow, Interview, April 1936
*
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
                         - Clarence Darrow
*
The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is,
in fact, a return to the idealised past.
                  - Robertson Davies, "A Voice from the Attic", 1960
*
There is no such thing as a nonracial society
in a multiracial country.
                         - F. W. de Klerk, President of South Africa,
                              quoted in _Time_, 11 September 1989
*
There are a million ways to lose a work day,
but not even a single way to get one back.
                - Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister, _Peopleware_, 1987
*
People are always talking about tradition, but they forget we have
a tradition of a few hundred years of nonsense and stupidity, that
there is a tradition of idiocy, incompetence and crudity.
                   - Hugo Demartini, in "Contemporary Artists", 1977
*
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly
and safely insane every night of our lives.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
                         - Robert Frost
*
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
                         - Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a
                              Snowy Evening", 1923
*
We compound our suffering by victimising each other.
                         - Athol Fugard, in "The Observer", 1971
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
                         - R. Buckminster Fuller
*
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
                         - R. Buckminster Fuller,
                              quoted in "Contemporary Architects", 1980
*
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree.
It's what you do with your life that counts.
                         - Millard Fuller, in "Time", 16 January 1989
*
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises
in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral
justification for selfishness.
                         - John Kenneth Galbraith
*
I could prove God statistically.
                         - George Gallup
*
He who awaits much can expect little.
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "El Coronel no Tiene quien le Escriba"
*
Si Dios no hubiera descansado el domingo
habría tenido tiempo de terminar el mundo.
(If God hadn't rested on Sunday,
He would have had time to finish the world.)
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "Los Funerales de Mamá Grande", 1974
*
No creo en Dios, pero le tengo miedo.
(I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.)
                         - Gabriel García Márquez,
                              "El Amor en los Tiempos de Cólera", 1985
*
The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.
                         - Charles de Gaulle, 1967
*
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.
                         - J. Paul Getty
*
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
                         - André Gide
*
In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over
and over again the tasks left unfinished in your lifetime.
                         - André Gide
*
We are not abandoning our convictions, our philosophy or traditions,
nor do we urge anyone to abandon theirs.
                         - Mikhail Gorbachev, UN address, 7 December 1988
*
The truest wild beasts live in the most populous places.
                  - Baltasar Gracian, "The Art of Worldly Wisdom" 1647
*
Thirty days hath November,
April, June, and September,
February hath twenty-eight alone,
And all the rest have thirty-one.
                         - Richard Grafton, 1562
*
I think when a person has been found guilty of rape
he should be castrated. That would stop him pretty quick.
                         - Billy Graham, 1974
*
The illusion that times that were are better than those that are,
has probably pervaded all ages.
                 - Horace Greeley, "The American Conflict", 1864-1866
*
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
                         - Motto of the Green Berets
*
Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought.
                         - Graham Greene, 1981
*
It's round the world I've traveled; it's round the world I've roamed;
but I've yet to see an outlaw drive a family from its home.
                         - Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd"
*
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
                         - Alex Hamilton, "The Listener", 1978
*
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
                         - R. W. Hamming, "Numerical Methods for
                              Scientists and Engineers", 1973
*
War will cease when men refuse to fight.
                         - Fridtjof Hansen
*
In times like these, it is helpful to remember
that there have always been times like these.
                         - Paul Harvey
*
Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived
and how he died that distinguish one man from another.
                         - Ernest Hemingway, quoted in "Sunday Times", 1966
*
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet as to be purchased
at the price of chains and slavery?
                         - Patrick Henry
*
All is flux, nothing stays still.
                         - Heraclitus
*
There is nothing permanent except change.
                         - Heraclitus
*
Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end.
It all depends upon where the observer is standing.
                         - Frank Herbert
*
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that
brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass
over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner
eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
                         - Frank Herbert, "Dune", 1965
*
*
"$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing."
  -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
*
186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
*
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!"
*
"A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble."
  -- Mahatma Ghandi
*
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other."
*
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
  -- Carl Sandburg
*
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce."
  -- Don Quinn
*
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money."
  -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
*
"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him."

"A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring."

"A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose."
*
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
*
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours."
*
"A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward."
*
"A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other."
*
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness."
*
"A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators."
  -- Dave Barry
*
"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
*
"A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie."
*
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
  -- Bill Vaughan
*
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together"
  -- Herbert Prochnow
*
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
*
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
*
"A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it."
*
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper."
  -- Dyer
*
"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
  -- Ben Franklin
*
"A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern."
  -- Edgar A. Shoaff
*
"A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?"
*
"A day without sunshine is like night."
*
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
coat."
*
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip."
*
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of."
  -- Ogden Nash
*
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."
  -- Winston Churchill
*
"A fool must now and then be right by chance."
*
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education."
  -- G. B. Shaw
*
"A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used."
  -- D. Gries
*
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular."
  -- Adlai Stevenson
*
"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion."
  -- H. L. Mencken
*
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea."
  -- John Ciardi
*
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices."
  -- William James
*
A hypothetical paradox:
 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
 of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a
 planet?
  -- Tom Galloway
*
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
*
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."
*
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing."
*
"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do."
  -- Dennis M. Ritchie
*
"A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths."
  -- Steve Wright
*
"A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks."
  -- Lew Col
*
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
  -- Stephen Crane
*
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."
*
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems."
*
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."
*
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space."
  -- Gloria Steinem
*
"A penny saved is ridiculous."
*
"A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry."
*
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
  -- George Wald
*
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
  -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
*
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
*
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
*
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing."
  -- Redd Foxx
*
"Heavy, adj.:
 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force."
*
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
*
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned."
  -- Milton Friedman
*
Heller's Law:
 The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
 organization.
*
"Hello," he lied.
  -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
*
"Help a swallow land at Capistrano."
*
"Help fight continental drift."
*
"Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!"
*
"Help stamp out and abolish redundancy."
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
*
"Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms."
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
  -- W. C. Fields
*
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
  -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"Hire the morally handicapped."
*
"I have a simple philosophy:
 Fill what's empty.
 Empty what's full.
 Scratch where it itches."
  -- A. R. Longworth
*
"I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
any time!"
*
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me."
  -- Camillo Di Cavour
*
"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it."
  -- Edgar Allan Poe
*
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
  -- James Gordon Bennett
*
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
  -- Blaise Pascal
*
"I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."
  -- Oscar Wilde
*
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
  -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
*
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
  -- Poul Anderson
*
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
*
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
*
"I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!"
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
  -- Bill Hoest
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
  -- Albert Einstein
*
"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
  -- Art Leo
*
"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it."
  -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
*
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
*
"I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts.""
*
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away."
*
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
*
"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation."
  -- G. B. Shaw
*
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
  -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
*
"I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!"
*
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob."
  -- William F. Buckley
*
"I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em."
  -- Will Rogers
*
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
  -- Graffito in Los Angeles
*
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
  -- Shirley Temple
*
"I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up."
  -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
*
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
*
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
  -- Winston Churchill
*
"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia."
  -- Woody Allen
*
"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
*
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
near the place."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
HAW"!!'"
  -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
*
"I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up."
  -- Will Rogers
*
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know."
  -- Mark Twain
*
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
  -- Steven Wright
*
"I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!"
*
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
  -- Gallagher
*
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
  -- Hunter S. Thompson
*
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 'Y'."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
static cling."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
tuned."
*
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free."
*
"A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation."
  -- Colton
*
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
  -- Steel City News
*
"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works."
*
"A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason."
*
"A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater."
*
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral."
  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
*
"A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing."
  -- Samuel Butler
*
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard."
  -- Prof. Steiner
*
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
  -- Mark Twain
*
"A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows."
  -- O'Henry
*
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures."
  -- Daniel Webster
*
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam."
*
"A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author."
  -- S. C. Johnson
*
"A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first."
*
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle."
*
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
*
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students."
  -- John Ciardi
*
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
*
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with."
  -- Tennessee Williams
*
"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous."
*
"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention."
*
"A witty saying proves nothing."
  -- Voltaire
*
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God."
*
A.A.A.A.A.:
 An organization for drunks who drive
*
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!"
*
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."
*
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends."
  -- Herbert Hoover
*
"Absence makes the heart go wander."
*
"You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you`ve got something."
*
"When all else fails, read the documentation!"
*
"There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system."
*
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy."
*
"When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
*
"Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency."
*
"Always draw your curves then plot the readings."
*
"It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."
*
"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."
*
"Never try to outstubborn a cat."
*
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it."
*
"Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying."
*
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."
*
"Bedfellows make strange politicians."
*
Thoreau says..."Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
*
"If you wish to succeed, consult three old people."
*
Voltaire says..."Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."
*
"An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought."
*
"You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish."
*
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
*
"A rolling stone gathers momentum."
*
"Gravity doesn`t exist: the earth sucks."
*
"Ahhhhhhhh,                     I forget what I was going to say."
*
"Organization is the enemy of improvisation."
*
"On a clear disk you can seek forever."
*
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits."
*
"Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday."
*
"It works better if you plug it in."
*
"Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy."
*
"Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate."
*
"No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish."
*
"Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature."
*
"Some men are discovered; others are found out."
*
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
*
"Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life."
*
"Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel like it."
*
"Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics."
*
"When your work speaks for itself, don`t interrupt."
*
"Variables won`t; constants aren`t."
*
"Interchangable devices won`t."
*
"Don`t force it, get a larger hammer."
*
"Love is a long term investment, not a quick return loan!"
*
"The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to
have been conceived out of human fears."
*
"Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur."
*
"Peeping Tom was really Weeping Tom; he never really saw Lady
Godiva, just her horse."
*
"Boarding school is an excellent place to learn how to build
things with lumber."
*
"Treat her like a lady and she'll always bring you home."
                                          Adm. Leonard McCoy
*
"The writer does the most who gives the reader the most
knowledge and takes from him the least."
*
"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to it's
original dimensions."
*
"He's dead, Jim."
*
"If there is a 50-50 chance, 95% of the time you will choose
the wrong one."
*
"The strongest memory is weaker than the palest ink."
*
"To drift is to be in hell, to be in heaven is to steer."
*
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth."
*
"Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world
made for man...who has no gills!"
*
"I don't mind dying, it's the business of having to stay dead
that scares the shit out of me!"
                                           Tom Terrific
*
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like
that can't happen!"
                          Richard Nixon as a child, on the
                          Teapot Dome Scandal
*
"God gives us relatives...thank goodness we can pick our friends!"
*
"Apt words have power to suage the tumors of a troubled mind."
*
"Clear writers, like fountains, do not seem so deep as they
are; the turbid look the most profound."
*
"Will America be the death of English?"
*
"Style is the dress of thoughts."
*
"It is not the hand but the understanding of a man that may
be said to write."
*
"Science is a collection of successful recipes."
*
"The art of statesmanship is to forsee the inevitable and to
expedite its occurance."
*
"All things are difficult before they are easy."
*
"To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it."
*
"Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward."
*
"Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament."
*
"It is so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't
know much about the problem."
*
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do."
*
"Iran is between Iraq and a hard place..."
*
"Everything bows to success...even grammar!"
*
"The major difficulty in cutting down on government expenses
is that the expenses have the votes."
*
"HANGOVER: the wrath of grapes."
*
"TACT: The ability to make guests feel at home when you wish
that they were!"
*
"ALIMONY:  The cost of leaving."
*
"BACHELOR: A man who never makes the same mistake once."
*
"RADICAL: A conservative out of a job."
*
"The wages of sin are unreported."
*
"To eat is human; to digest divine."
*
"When Eve arrived, this was no longer a man's world."
*
"Most self-made men worship their creators."
*
"Hope is a good breakfast, but a bad supper."
*
"Things too stupid to be spoken are sung."
*
"Be an individualist.  He who follows another is always behind."
*
"A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head!"
*
"No one hates a job well done!"
*
"Average" is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.
*
"Never return a kindness---pass it on!"
*
"Counting time is not so important as making time count."
*
"Today's extravagance becomes tomorrow's necessity."
*
"Heads will have to roll!"
              ---Nancy Regan, 8/3/87
*
"It's important that I NOT know."
                                President Regan,
                                July 20, 1987
*
"Using the Ayatullah's money to support the Nicaraguans...
I think it was a NEAT IDEA!"
                                    Lt.Col Oliver North
*
"A good man dies when a boy goes wrong."
*
"Success usually comes to those too busy to look for it."
*
"Just a little thoughtfulness brings alot of happiness."
*
"To a friends' house, the road is never long."
*
"You've learned to live with yourself when you can drive
around the block alone without turning on your car radio."
*
"Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down."
*
"There is a special satisfaction in puzzling out a new
gadget...once you master the thing, you can begin to
understand the instructions that came with it!"
*
"Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it!"
*
"Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place."
*
"Always keep your head up, but be sure to keep your nose on a
friendly level!"
*
"The man who never makes mistakes loses a great many
opportunities to learn something."
*
"An unusual child is one who asks questions that his parents can answer."
*
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have
certanity without any proof."
*
"Birth, copulation and death.  That's all the facts when you
come down to brass tacks."
*
"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; THAT will do them in!"
*
"Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence."
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations."
*
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated his ability."
*
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?    A STICK!"
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest!"
*
"There is NO remedy for sex but MORE sex!"
*
"Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete."
*
"Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he will believe you...Tell him that a bench has wet
paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
*
"Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics."
*
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never
committed adultery, are now extinct..."
*
"The two hardest things in life to handle are success and failure."
*
"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people."
*
"The meek may inherit the earth (doubtful), but the strong
will retain the mineral rights (doubtless)."
*
"Kissing is okay for awhile, but good cooking lasts forever."
*
"When the horse is dead, dismount!"
*
"Experience may be the best teacher, though there is not much
proof and the bills are terribly high."
*
"Health nuts are going to feel real strange someday...
lying around hospitols, dying of nothing."
*
"It may be true that hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
*
"If today were a fish, I'd throw it back in!"
*
"By Inflection you can say much more than your words do."
*
"Never let your feet run faster than your shoes."
*
"Life is like a good book...the further you get into it,
the more it make sense!"
*
"There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man
than the way in which they can build and yet leave a
landscape as it was before..."
*
"The real beauty of democracy is that the average man
believes he is above average."
*
"Education is more than a luxury; it is a responsibility that
socirty owes to itself."
*
"Spring is God's way of saying, "One more time!"
*
"The older you get, the more important is is not to act your age."
*
"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."
*
"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
*
"All great discoveries are made by mistake."
*
Thom's Law of Maritial Bliss:
"The length of a marriage is inversley proportional to
the cost of the wedding."
*
Finagle's Sixth Law:
"Do NOT believe in miracles -- rely on them!"
*
"One child is not enough, but two are far too many."
*
"Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens."
*
"Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies."
*
The Green Thumb Law:
"The life of a house plant varies inversley with its price,
and directly with its ugliness."
*
Student's Law:
"Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course."
*
Federal Employment Principle:
Confusion creates jobs.
*
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
*
"Keep anything long enough and you can throw it away.
Throw is away and you will need it the next day."
*
"A crises is when you CAN'T say "let's forget about the whole thing!"
*
"When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal."
*
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
explained by stupidity."
*
"No matter where you go....
                    there you are!"
*
Murray's Rule of Basketball:
"A free agent is anything but."
*
"Sooner or later, the worst is bound to occur."
*
Ettore's Observation:
"The other line always moves faster."
*
Judi's Law of clothing:
"If you like it, they don't have it in your size."
*
"If it's good, they discontinued it."
*
Tom's Law:
"If you don't throw it, they can't find it!"
*
"Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday."
*
"Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo."
*
Katz's Law:
"Men and nations will act rationally only when
all other possibilities have been exhausted."
*
Diner's Dilemma:
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day."
*
Government Rule #7,974,881:
"If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes,
 you've just become the expert."
*
"The only way to discover the limits of the possible
is to go beyond them into the impossible."
*
"Authority always tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them."
*
Jensen's Law: "Win or lose, you lose."
*
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
*
"Nothing is ever done for the right reasons."
*
Jone's Motto:
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
*
"It always takes longer to get there than to get back."
*
"Never eat anything bigger than your head."
*
"There is no limit to how bad things can get."
*
"Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come."
*
"A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking."
*
"You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it."
*
"Only God can make a random selection."
*
Seit's Law of Higher Education:
"The ONE course you need to graduate is not
 offered in your last semister."
*
Nurse Judi's Nursing Law:
"All the IV trees are at the other end of the hall."
*
"Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough!"
*
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
*
Murphy's Flu Philosophy:
"Even water tastes bad when taken on a doctor's order."
*
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
*
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
"There is always one more bug."
*
"There are no answers, only cross-references!"
*
"When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel,
it will probably be a train coming towards you!"
*
"Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen."
*
"Mother Nature is a Bitch."
*
"The one time of the day you lean back and relax is
the one time of the day the boss walks through the office."
*
"Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure."
*
"The bigger they are...the harder they hit."
*
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
*
"When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue."
*
"One has the right to be wrong in a democracy."
*
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
*
"Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads,
hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through
the years."
*
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place."
*
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.  That's
deep enough.  What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"
*
"It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept
anything but the best, you very often get it!"
*
"Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up."
*
"Anything that keeps a politician humble is healthy for democracy."
*
"The truth is NOT always dressed for the evening."
*
"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing."
*
"Love is what you've been through with somebody."
*
"There is no greater loan than a sympathetic ear."
*
"America did not invent human rights.  In a very real sense,
it is the other way around.  Human rights invented America."
*
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
*
"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?"
*
"One man's remourse is another man's reminiscence."
                                            Gerald Horton Bath
*
"Among the porcupines, rape is unknown..."
*
"The more potent a man becomes in the bedroom,
the more potent he is in business."
                                    Dr. David Reuben
*
"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."
*
"The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful
women and so little time."
*
"Of all sexual aberrations, chasity is the strangest."
                                              Anatole France
*
"Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasures."
                                             Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and
liberator of our finest and most exalted activities."
*
"The sexual drive is nothing but the motor memory
of previously experienced pleasure."
*
"You can be sincere and still be stupid."
*
"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing;
      and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
*
"These IS a difference between philosophy and a bumper sticker!"
*
"Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense."
*
"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."
*
"Girls who wear zippers shouldn't live alone."
*
"Never wear less alone than when alone."
*
"There is a suffciency in the world for man's need but not for man's greed."
*
"Our lifetime may be the last that will be lived out
in a technological society."
                             Issac Asimov
*
"Man has lost the capacity to forsee and forestall.
He will end by destroying the earth."
                                       Albert Schweitzer
*
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing,
knew that nobody had said it before him."
*
"Only the past is immortal"
                       Delmore Schwartz
*
"Unless a woman has an amourous heart, she is a dull companion."
                                                 Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
                                           Groucho Marx
*
"The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet."
*
"The brain is as strong as its weakest think."
*
"It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious."
*
"By annihilating desires you annihilate the mind."
*
"Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue."
*
"Modesty died when clothes were born."
*
"Life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills."
*
"May you live all the days of your life."
*
"Free are those who dream dreams."
*
"Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought."
                             ---Henri Bergson
*
"Mistrust first impulses, they are always good."
*
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."
*
"If advertising encourages people to live beyond their means,
so does matrimony."             ---Bruce Barton
*
"Advertising is legalized lying."
*
"Young gorillas are friendly but they soon learn."
*
"Don't jump on a man unless he's down."
                            ---Mr. Dooley
*
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
                              Sydney J. Harris
*
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady!"
                            ---Wilson Mizner
*
"Birth is the beginning of death."
                                  ---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true."
                                         ---Polish Proverb
*
"I never knew a girl who was ruined by a good book."

                                                    ---Jimmy Walker
*
"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain
books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
                                ---Claude Adrien Helvetius (1715-1771)
*
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
                                        ---George Bernard Shaw
*
"Literature should not be supressed merely because it offends the moral code
of the censor."
                            ---Justice William O. Douglas
*
"A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text.  Does this make it
pornography?
                                   ---Stanislaw J. Lec
*
"Any country that has sexual censorship will eventually have political
censorship."
                                     ---Kenneth Tynan
*
"The ultimate censorship is the click of the dial."
                                               ---Tommy Smothers
*
"Character is destiny."
                           ---Heraclitus (540-475? B.C.)
*
"Integrity has no need of rules."
*
"Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization."
                                               ---Eugene V. Debs
*
"Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe."
                                                ---H.G. Wells
*
"When a course becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course."
                                            ---Peter Drucker
*
"It is a luxury to be understood."
*
"Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent."
*
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
                                                 ---Oscar Wilde
*
"The only completely consistant people are the dead."
                                              ---Aldous Huxley
*
"If you think before you speak, the other fellow gets his joke in first."

*
"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence."
                                             ---Vermont Proverb
*
"Beware of the man who goes to cocktail parties not to drink but to listen."
                                        ---Pierre Daninos
*
"A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage."
                                                 ---Marvin Kitman
*
"The bitter part of discretion is valor."
*
"Courage is grace under pressure."
*
"Have the courage to live.  Anyone can die."
                                            ---Robert Cody
*
"If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?"
*
"The more wit the less courage."
                                 ---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"The past is but the beginning of a beginning."
                                                --H.G. Wells
*
"An idea is a feast of association."
                                     ---Robert Frost
*
"A kleptomaniac can't help helping himself."
*
"Prisons don't rehabilitate, they don't punish, they don't protect, so what
the hell do they do?"
                                     ---Governor Jerry Brown
*
"Prison reform will not work until we start sending
a better class of peopel there."
*
"A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
                                                ---Channing Pollock
*
"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise."
                                                ---Noel Coward
*
"Culkture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
*
"Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs."
*
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic."
*
Death is mother nature's warning to slow down."
*
"In the long run, we are all dead."
                                   ---John Maynard Keyes
*
"We should weep for men at their birth, not their death."
*
"To die is landing on some distant shore."
*
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage."
                                                   ---H.L. Mencken
*
"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."
                                                ---Daniele Vare
*
"America never lost a war or won a conference."
*
"England has civilization but no culture."
                                          ---Robin Mathews
*
"What is moral is what you feel good after."
                                            ---Ernest Hemmingway
*
"The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money."
                                                     ---Joey Adams
*
"A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted."
                                              ---Helen Rowland
*
"It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't."
                                        ---Mignon McLaughlin
*
"Ignorance is the mother of research."
*
"Not ignorance, but ignorance of ingnorance, is the death of knowledge."
                                     ---Alfred North Whitehead
*
"Ignorance is no excuse-it's the real thing."
                                             ---Irene Peter
*
"Immortality--a fate worse than death."
                                       ---Edgar A. Shoaff
*
"Spring---an experience in immoratality."
                                         ---Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
*
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he actually knows."
                                     ---Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
"Every child ought to be more intelligent than his parents."
                                                ---Charles Darrow
*
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
                                                 ---Albert Camus
*
"A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance."
                                                        ---Herbert Spencer
*
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer."
                                ---Robert Frost
*
"Justice is truth in action."
                              --Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
*
"Justice is incidential to law and order."
                                          ---J. Edgar Hoover
*
"This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice."
                                              ---Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
*
"Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person."
                                             ---Ethel Watts Mumford
*
"To know all things is not permitted."
                                      ---Horace (65-8 B.C.)
*
"Automatic"  simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
*
90% of everything is crud.
*
A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
that everything comes off right.
*
A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
*
A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
*
A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
*
A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of
alternatives.
*
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
*
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
*
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked.
*
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working
for thirty years straight.
*
A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
join you in your troubles.
*
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
*
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors
suspicions to the contrary.
*
A fool and his money are some party.
*
A friend in power is a friend lost.
*
A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a
while, knows something.
*
A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.
*
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
*
A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
inspection.
*
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
himself.
*
Every human social structure has developed to ensure the survival of that
structure...to the detriment of its human inhabitants.
*
Murphy's Law predicts the extinction of Gremlins...
when it's least expected.
*
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
*
Planning is the replacement of DECAY with Error. IF we plan by means of
data-processing, we can err faster and more accurately !!
*
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach, and the sea..
*
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
*
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
*
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
*
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
*
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
*
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
*
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
*
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of overtly
public intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
*
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
*
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
*
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping centre in the world?
*
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging, but when some of my patrons
serve it in the White House, up on Lake Shore Drive, its called HOSPITALITY
*
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
*
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
*
If you've seen one REDWOOD tree, you've seen 'em all.
*
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
*
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
*
You smash it - and I'll build around it....
*
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
*
Politicians should read Science Fiction, and NOT westerns or detective
stories.
*
It seemed that it was necessary for me to establish a "winner image".
Therefore, I have had to beat somebody.
*
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of true magic.
*
Justice is incidental to law and order.
*
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
*
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
*
Get out of the road, if you want to grow old.
*
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
*
We are what we pretend to be. (most of the time!)
*
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
*
I could prove God statistically.
*
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
*
Anyone can afford hate. It costs you to love.
*
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
*
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
*
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is...
...that it is comprehensible, at least in part.
*
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
*
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
*
.....Red Alert .....Something is out-there
.....Red Alert .... 99 red ballons go a floating by.....
.....Red Alert
.....for the war machine's computer has a "BUG" in its sights !!
*
SHALL WE TELL THE WORLD
*
If I could find any proof that a sane WORLD had ever really existed....
*
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
*
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are ain't no good.
*
Please don't lie to me, unless you 're absolutely sure I'll never find
out the truth.
*
Please don't ask me what the score is....
I'm not even sure what the game is.
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
*
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
*
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
*
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
*
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit
the target.
*
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
passing through civilisation in between.
*
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilisation.
*
If any aborigine were to draft an IQ test, all of Western civilisation
would presumably flunk it.
*
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
*
Sure there are dishonest men in local government!  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
*
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
*
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.
*
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
*
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
*
To know the world one must construct it.
*
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
*
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its real name.
*
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonderful.
*
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: If at first you don't
succeed, transform your data set.
*
Laws of Computer Programming (1 to 4):
*
    (1)   Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    (2)   Any given program costs more and takes longer.
    (3)   If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    (4)   If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
*
Laws of Computer Programming (5 to 8):
*
    (5)   Any given program will expand to fill all available
          memory.
    (6)   The value of a program is proportional to the weight
          of its output.
    (7)   Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
          capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
    (8)   Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
          English, and you will find that programmers cannot
          write in English.
*
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
*
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
*
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z where X is work,
Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.
*
FUN is hereditary. If your parents never had too much, then sorry!
but, the chances are that you won't either.  UNLESS you do something
about it... (but I am wrong sometimes!)
*
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
*
Frouds Law:
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
first !!
*
Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
BASIC is to PASCAL what AMERICAN is to ENGLISH
*
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
*
TOM Gilb's Laws of SYSTEMS Reliability:
*
    (1)   True, Computers aren't too reliable, but humans are
          even more unreliable.
    (3)   The only difference between the fool, and the criminal
          who attacks a system is that the fool attacks
          unpredictably and on a broader front.
*
TOM Gilb's Laws of SYSTEMS Reliability;
*
    (5)   Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in
          proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system
          in which they are used.
    (6)   The error-detection and correction capabilities of any
          system are the key to understanding the type of errors
          which they cannot handle.
    (7)   Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in
          contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are
          limited.
*
TOM Glib's Laws of Software reliability
*
    (1)   All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise
          - which is impossible.
    (2)   Investment in reliability will increase until it
          exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody
          insists on getting some useful work done.
*
*
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.
*
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
*
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there will be some
Federal, State or local LAW or (ordinance) (Byelaw) under which you can be
booked!
*
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.
*
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go just right.
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
*
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
*
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
*
The unnatural, that too is natural.
*
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
*
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
*
But, He has not one redeeming vice.
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of
 heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine just running up
 and down a street"
*
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
*
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have certainty
 without any proof"
*
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
*
"Software suppliers are trying their level best, to make their software
 packages more 'user-friendly'... Their best approach, so far, has been
 to take all the old brochures and stamp the words 'user-friendly' on
 the cover."
*
Eight Things your computer won't do:
*
    (1)   It won't save you money.
    (2)   It won't make your organisation run right.
    (3)   It won't solve every problem.
    (4)   It won't run itself.
    (5)   It won't always be right.
    (6)   It won't meet all its own needs.
    (7)   It won't protect itself.
    (8)   It won't become obsolete. (?! Try telling a ZX81 that)
*
*
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organise them into a committee...
that will do them in.
*
Civilisation Law #1:
Civilisation advances by extending the number of important operations one
can do without thinking about them.
*
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
*
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his MORAL standards upon 'B',
 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
*
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
 Christian Religion"
*
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilised nations"
*
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
*
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
*
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of
 the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
*
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
*
"I don't drink water. Fish make love in it"
*
The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
*
"To err is human, to compute divine.  Trust your computer but not
 its programmer"
*
"I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've
 seen more of them who were paralysed in the head"
*
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
*
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
*
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
*
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato
 chip market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food
 market and is fast approaching the total world-wide sales of pantyhose"
*
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
*
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
*
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick
 himself up and carry on..."
*
A computer program that RUNS is only software, that has not crashed...YET!
*
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
 but remember that the Devil runs electromagnetics by quantum theory on
 Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday."
*
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
*
Life is not one thing after another....
it's the same damn thing over and over!
*
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.
*
There is no remedy for fun but more fun (now) !
*
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
*
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you.  Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have
to touch it to be sure.
*
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking
 what no one else has thought."
*
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
*
I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want, but only what I tell it.
*
"Fantasy, abandoned by Reason, produces impossible monsters; Fantasy when
 united with Reason, is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
*
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it and hang it upon
the wall instead of using it"
*
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not
a harbour."
*
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
*
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
 are now extinct."
*
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
*
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception
 a necessity."
*
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
*
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
*
        Big whirls have little whirls
        Which feed on their velocity,
        And little whirls have lesser whirls
        And so on, to viscosity.
*
*
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
*
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind
 of fooling"
*
"Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!"
*
You can tell when politicians are lying...They move their lips.
*
There is ONE outstandingly important fact about our spaceship Earth,
and that is that No instruction book came with it!
*
Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
 War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
*
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
*
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
*
Mythology:      The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
                origin,early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
                distinguished from the true accounts which it invents
                later.
*
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick
the wrong one.
*
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
*
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
*
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
*
Heaven:   A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
          their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
          you expound your own.
*
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of
interest is easy.
*
Life is like an onion. You peel off layer after layer, then you find there
is nothing in it.
*
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
*
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
*
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
*
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
*
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and
by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
*
Boren's Laws:
*
        1)      When in charge, ponder.
        2)      When in trouble, delegate.
        3)      When in doubt, mumble.
*
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
*
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
*
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
*
Deliberation:   The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
                it is buttered on.
*
Optimization hinders evolution.
*
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
*
Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
*
Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
*
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
*
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
*
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
*
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
*
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified
your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer to a definite
problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.  In a way,
the next move is up to him.
*
Actor:          "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act,
                 I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"
*
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
Barometer:      An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
                weather we are having.
*
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
*
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
*
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of
the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as
are out wish to get in?
*
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something
profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound
than THIS program has ever been.
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
*
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
*
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed
that all had these things in common:
*
        1)      They all had moderate appetites.
        2)      They all came from middle class homes
        3)      All but two of them were dead.
*
*
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
I must have slipped a disk my pack hurts
*
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
*
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.  On the other hand,
if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological
interaction.  The difference is that one is friendly and the other
is not so friendly.  The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
*
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
*
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favourite neurosis.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
*
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them
on the head.
*
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
*
Ehrman's Commentary:
*
        1.      Things will get worse before they get better.
        2.      Who said things would get better?
*
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
*
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
*
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
*
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
*
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
*
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
*
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
*
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
*
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they
charge fifteen cents for them.
*
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
*
Nothing recedes like success.
*
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.
*
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
*
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is sickening
to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
*
Predestination was doomed from the start.
*
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all
need of checking, is the mistake.
*
Corollaries:
        1.      Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.      The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
                don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
*
Elevators smell different to midgets
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will
be temporarily cancelled.
*
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
*
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
What is the Latin for office automation?
*
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
*
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
*
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying
literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
*
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
       ----
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
*
Ink:   A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
       and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy
       and promote intellectual crime.
*
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
*
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
*
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
*
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
*
Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself,
try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
*
Menu:    A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
*
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
*
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there
isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you
have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?"
                   ----
"Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language
looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
And don't realize that they've been had."
*
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
*
Excellent time to become a missing person.
*
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
*
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd be out
of a job.
*
The three laws of thermodynamics:
*
The First Law :  You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:  The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The Third Law :  You can only break even at absolute zero.
*
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
*
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
*
Cole's Law:     Thinly sliced cabbage.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
Justice:        A decision in your favour.
*
Coronation:     The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
                visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky high with
                a dynamite bomb.
*
Brain fried -- Core dumped
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is
an enemy.
*
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
*
Abstainer:     A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
               himself a pleasure.
*
THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
*
Only God can make random selections.
*
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
*
If I travelled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.
*
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
*
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
*
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
*
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
*
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mum.
*
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
*
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because it
isn't here.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
*
Chicken Little was right.
*
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...
...a good reason and the real reason.
*
Happiness:     An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
               of another.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens
will multiply instead of disappear.
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
*
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
*
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
*
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is
always a future in Computer Maintenance.
*
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
*
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
*
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
*
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
     You are a fluke of the universe...
     You have no right to be here.
     Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
     Is laughing behind your back.
*
Jone's Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
it on.
*
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
*
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is
reading it.
*
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
*
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
*
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and
last month in advance.
*
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to
compare it with.
*
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them
on the head.
*
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
          their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
          cannot separately plunder a third.
*
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
*
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
*
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
*
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
          from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
          matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
          indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule,
          the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
*
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
*
Computer Scientists do it bit-by-bit
*
OCCAM programmers do it in parallel
*
Database administrators do it with their relations
*
AI programmers only think they do it
*
Operational Researchers would have done it by now if they hadn't spent so
long working out the best way to go about it.
*
Mathematicians have to PROVE they can do it
*
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
*
Historians USED to do it
*
Civil engineers do it behind schedule
*
The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
*
Coming home I drove in the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
*
The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its
intentions.
*
I thought my window was down, but found it to be up when I put my head
through it.
*
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
*
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*
The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve many times before
I hit him.
*
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
*
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.
As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my view,
and I didn't see the other car.
*
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
*
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
*
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat I found
that I had fractured my skull.
*
I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side when I
struck him.
*
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
*
Xerox your life.  If you lose it, you'll still have a copy.
*
Typographers rule, OQ
*
Don't go to work, there's a lot to do.
*
Double your pleasure, Double your fun.  Xerox your pay-cheques.
*
I look better on a woman!
*
To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
*
God made things that creep and crawl,
but British rail - it beats them all!
*
If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
*
I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
*
Beat unemployment - Vote labour.
Vote conservative and treat it nicely.
*
Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
*
Never mind the Titanic - is there any news of the iceberg?
*
Other vice may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
*
Brunel Rules, IK
*
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
*
James Bond rules.  00K.
*
Sterility is hereditary.
*
Smile, they said, life could be worse.  So I did, and it was.
*
You're never alone if you're a sex maniac.
*
Sex is bad for one.  - But it's very good for two.
*
Roses are red,
Violet's are blue,
And mine are white.
*
Jack the ripper lives - he works in our laundry.
*
Reincarnation is making a comeback - Over my dead body!
*
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?  By taking down its genes.
*
The only safe fast-breeder is a rabbit.  Say 'No' to nuclear power.
*
Start a new movement - eat a prune.
*
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
*
We are the people our parents warned us about
*
Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
*
Nervous breakdowns are hereditary.  We get them from our children.
*
I've half a mind to join the national front.  That's all I'll need.
*
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
*
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
*
Marriage is a wonderful institution -
but who wants to live in an institution?
*
Bad spellers of the world.  Untie!
*
The first three minutes of life can be the most dangerous.
- The last three are pretty dodgy too!
*
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
*
Liberals are a Labour-saving device.
*
In a survey carried out to see what men liked about women's legs,
27% said they preferred women with fat legs and 15% said they preferred
women with thin legs.  The remaining 58% said they liked something
in-between.
*
You'll never walk alone with schizophrenia.
*
A lecture:     a means of transferring information from the notes of the
               lecturer to the notes of the student without passing through
               the minds of either.
*
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
*
Beat inflation - steal!
*
A fertile imagination is no compensation for vasectomy.
*
The hangman let us down.
*
No hand signals.  The driver of this vehicle is a convicted arab shoplifter
*
Hang Gliding,
Blast Baseball,
and Sod Cycling.
*
If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
*
Pedants rule Ok - or, more accurately, exhibit certain of the trappings
of traditional leadership.
*
Geography is everywhere.
*
Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
*
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
*
Guy fawkes was the sanest man who ever went to the Houses of Parliament
- and look what happened to him.
*
Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
*
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
*
Death is hereditary
*
Dead people are cool
*
Nationalise crime, and make sure it doesn't pay.
*
Save fuel.  Get cremated with a friend.
*
Constipation is the thief of time.  Diarrhoea waits for no man.
*
Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
*
Free the indianapolis 500.
*
If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we'd be so
simple we couldn't.
*
I bet you I could stop gambling.
*
My uncle fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate him.
*
I'D GIVE MY RIGHT ARM TO BE AMBIDEXTROUS
- You can have mine. I'm left handed!
*
I couldn't care less about apathy.
*
OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I when I need me?
*
Absolute zero is cool.
*
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
*
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
*
An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money
you did.
*
Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
*
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already
been dead for a year.
*
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get
the credit.
*
Acting is about honesty.  If you can fake that, you've got it made.
*
I love acting.  Its much more real than life.
*
I'm now at an age where I have to prove that I'm just as good as
I never was.
*
Some of the greatest love affairs I've ever known, involved one actor,
unassisted.
*
Scratch an actor - you'll find an actress.
*
Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery
*
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
*
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
*
In the ad biz, sincerity is a commodity, bought and paid for like
everything else.
*
The longest word in the English Language is the one following the phrase
'And now a word from our sponsor.'
*
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark.
You know what you're doing, but nobody else does.
*
Advertising that uses superlatives isn't.
*
I always pass on good advice.  It's the only thing to do with it.
It is never any use to oneself.
*
A mixture of admiration and pity is one of the surest recipes for
affection.
*
I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my
two sons illegitimate.
*
The four stages of man are: Infancy, Childhood, Adolescence
and obsolescence.
*
The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything;
the young know everything.
*
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
*
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
*
Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny
*
Alimony: The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
*
Professionals build the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.
*
I want to be what I was when I started to be what I am now.
*
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
*
is the US ready for self-government?
*
Americans like fat books and thin women
*
I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which
to carry an election.
*
America - a country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without
touching civilisation in between.
*
All americans lecture...  I suppose it is something in their climate.
*
I happen to know quite a lot about the south.  Spent twenty years there
one night.
*
I am righteously indignant;  YOU are annoyed;  HE is making a fuss
about nothing.
*
Odd things animals.  All dogs look up to you.  All cats look down to you.
Only a pig looks to you as an equal.
*
Old?  The only thing that kept it standing was the woodworm holding hands.
*
Want to have some fun?  Walk into an antique shop and say, "What's new?"
*
When you don't have any money the problem is food.  When you have money,
it's sex.  When you have both, it's health.  If everything is simply jake,
then your frightened of death.
*
I have a new philosophy.  I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
*
... an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my
mirrors insured.
*
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
*
She wore too much rouge last night, and not quite enough clothes.
That's always a sign of despair in a woman.
*
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker can
gain a reputation for being civilised.
*
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.  The older she gets,
the more interest he takes in her.
*
The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
clients to plant vines.
*
When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic.
*
My sad conviction is that people can only agree about what they are not
really interested in.
*
Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish.
*
He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.
*
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable.  There
is something unfair about its use.  It is hitting below the intellect.
*
I like talking to a brick wall.  Its the only thing in the world that
never contradicts me.
*
There is always more brass than brains in an aristocracy.
*
Colonel Cathcart had never hesitated to volunteer his men for any
target available.
*
The artistic temperament is a disease that affects amateurs.
*
The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you're an artist.
*
What is sadder than the sight of a lady we admire, admiring a nauseating
picture.
*
My dear Tristan, to be an artist at all is like living in Switzerland
during a World War.
*
All art is quite useless.
*
A true artist takes no notice whatsoever of the public.  The public are to
him non-existent.  He leaves that to the popular novelist.
*
No great artist ever sees things as they are.  If he did he would cease
to be an artist.
*
She is like most artists; she has style without sincerity.
*
Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.
*
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
*
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
*
Simon darling, I'm afraid you'll have to speak to the children.  I caught
Tristram believing in God yesterday.
*
... a sheep in sheep's clothing ...
*
Charisma?  He did not recognise the word, except as a clue in his Times
crossword.
*
... reminds me of nothing so much as a dead fish before it has had time
to stiffen.
*
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
*
They made me a present of Mornington crescent.  They threw it a brick at
a time.
*
If they liked it, they didn't applaud - they just let you live.
*
They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end
of a yo-yo so they could use them twice.
*
Australian-based:   A person of diminished aspiration who has been
                    successfully bribed with grants and awards to resist
                    the lure of expatriation.
*
Autobiography is now as common as adultery - and hardly less reprehensible.
*
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment
missing.
*
Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer
is the most suspect of prose artists.
*
Nothing I have found is factual, except the bits that sound like fiction.
*
I am being frank about myself in this book.  I tell of my first mistake
on page 850.
*
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave
out the bad things you have done - that's Memoirs.
*
Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached
the age to write an autobiography.
*
I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
*
Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already
reached the shore in safety.
*
Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck.
*
A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
*
She was another one of his near Mrs.
*
A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather
is fair, and takes it away from you when it rains.
*
If people don't want to come to the ball park, nobody's going to
stop them.
*
After a degree of prettiness, one pretty girl is as pretty as another.
*
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
*
It was such a lovely day, I thought it was a pity to get up.
*
To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.
*
Any stigma is good enough to beat a dogma with.
*
And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter.
*
He will be as great as a curse to this country in peace as he was
a squalid nuisance in time of war.
*
Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same thing.
*
Q: If I married two women, would that be bigamy?
A: It would be very big of you.
*
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
*
The meek may inherit the world - but not its mineral rights.
*
Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.
*
HE:    Every morning, I'd be down in the park and then I'd feed the pigeons.
SHE:   What do you feed them?  Popcorn?
HE:    No.  Every morning I'd go down to this park and I'd feed the pigeons.
       To my cat.
*
When I was born I was surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
*
To my embarrassment I was born in a bed with a lady.
*
Congratulations, we knew you had it in you.
*
My girlfriend just found out she's been taking aspirin instead of
the pill.  Well, at least she doesn't have a headache - but I do.
*
The pill came to market and changed the sexual and real-estate habits
of millions; Motel chains were created to serve them.
*
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
*
YOUNG GIRL (to doctor): Have I had any side effects from the pill?
DOCTOR: ... Only promiscuity!
*
I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual.  It would double
your chances for a date on Saturday night.
*
When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
*
If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
*
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time
in reading it.
*
You can't help liking the managing director - if you don't, he fires you.
*
I don't want any Yes-men around me.  I want everyone to tell me the truth
even if it costs them their jobs.
*
I've just returned from Boston.  It is the only thing to do if you find
yourself up there.
*
He floats like an anchor and stings like a moth.
*
I was the only fighter in Cleveland who wore rear-view mirrors
*
ERIC :  I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth.  I could lick any man
        with one hand...
ERNIE : Really?
ERIC  : Yes.  Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who
        wanted a fight.
*
The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
*
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
*
Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.
*
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka,
    Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your
husband,son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missed in
action.
*
If your parents didn't have children then there is a 90% chance that
you won't.
*
I've got a memory for faces, but in this case I'll make an exception.
*
HOSTESS: Are you enjoying yourself?
OSCAR:   I have to - there's nothing else to enjoy.
*
LADY:     If I were your wife then I'd put poison in your coffee.
WINSTON:  If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
*
Real programmers don't write specifications -- users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
*
Real programmers don't document their code.  If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
*
Real programmers don't write applications programs.  They program right
to the bare metal.  Applications programming is for FEEBS who can't do
systems programming.
*
Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know
how to spell quiche.  They eat twinkies and Szechan food
*
Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
*
Real programmer's programs never work right first time.  But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
30 hour debugging sessions.
*
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
and crystallography weenies.
*
Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around
at 9am its because they were up all night.
*
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
*
Real programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
*
Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is Ok, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
*
Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object code.
*
Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any other of
those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.
*
Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
*
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly Language.  If you can't
do it in Assembly, it isn't worth doing.
*
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
*
Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused
*
Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more
interesting.
*
Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save
20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
*
Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
*
At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner of the kitchen
talking about Operating System security, and how to get around it.
*
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11" by 14" fanfold paper.
*
At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one doodling machine code into
the sand.
*
At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George, And he
almost had the Sort Routine working before the coronary."
*
In a Grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he could never
trust keypunch operators to get it right first time.
*
No Real Programmer works 9:00 to 5:00 (unless it's 9:00pm to 5:00am).
*
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
*
Real Programmers don't wear high-heel shoes.
*
Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
*
The Real Programmer may or may not know his wife's name.  He always knows
the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table by heart, however.
*
Real Programmers don't know how to cook.
*
Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic
bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
*
Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian
Transmissions.
*
It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working
for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
*
Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems
for cruise missiles.
*
Beginner:    Insecure with the concept of a terminal.
             Has yet to learn the basics of 'vi'.
             Has not figured out how to get a directory.
             Still has trouble typing <RETURN> after each line of input.
*
Novice:      Knows that 'ls' will produce a directory.
             Uses the editor but calls it 'vye'.
             Has heard of C, but never used it.
             Has had his first bad experience with 'rm'.
             Is wondering how to read his mail.
             Wonders why the person next to him seems to like UNIX so much.
*
User:      Uses 'vi' and 'nroff', but inexpertly.
           Has heard of regular expressions, but never seen one.
           Has figured out that '-' precedes options.
           Attempted to write a C program and decided to stick with PASCAL.
           Is wondering how to move a directory.
           Thinks that 'dbx' is a brand of stereo component.
           Knows how to read his mail and wondering how to read the news.
*
Knowledgeable:  uses 'nroff' with no trouble,
                and is beginning to learn 'tbl' and 'eqn'.
                Uses 'grep' to search for fixed strings.
                Has figured out that 'mv' will move directories.
                Has learned that 'learn' doesn't help somebody.
                Has shown him how to write C programs.
                Once used 'sed' to do some text substitutions.
                Has seen 'dbx'.
                Thinks that 'make' is only for wimps.
*
Expert:         Uses 'sed' when necessary.
                Uses macro's in 'vi'.
                Uses 'ex' when necessary.
                Posts news at every possible opportunity.
                Writes 'csh' scripts occasionally.
                Writes C programs using 'vi' and compiles with 'cc'.
                Has figured out what '&&' and '||' are for.
                Thinks that human history started with '!h'
*
Hacker:         Uses 'sed' and 'awk' with comfort.
                Uses undocumented features of 'vi'.
                Writes C code with 'cat >' and compiles with  '!cc'.
                Uses 'adb' because he doesn't trust source debuggers.
                Can answer questions about the user environment.
                Writes his own 'nroff' macros to supplement standard ones.
                Writes scripts for the Bourne shell.
                Knows how to install bug fixes.
*
guru:    Uses 'm4' and 'lex' with comfort.
         Writes assembly code with 'cat >'.
         Uses 'adb' on the kernel.
         When the system is loaded customises utilities by patching source.
         Reads device driver source with his breakfast.
         Can answer any UNIX question after a little thought.
         Uses 'make' for anything having two or more distinct commands.
         Has learned how to breach security but no longer needs to try.
*
wizard:     Writes device drivers with 'cat >'.
            Fixes bugs by patching the binaries.
            Can answer questions before you ask them.
            Writes his own 'troff' macro packages.
            Is on a first-name basis with Ken, Dennis and Bill.
*
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
*
BROOK'S LAW: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
*
LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM ACCORDING TO GOLUB:
    (1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
        estimating the corresponding costs.
    (2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete
        than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long
    (3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically
        with time.
*
LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY: There is always one more bug.
*
SHAW'S PRINCIPLE: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
*
OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't; constants aren't.
*
1 + 1 (=) 2, where (=) is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.
*
A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application
made by an independent worker.
*
The more innocuous a design change appears, the further its influence will
extend.
*
All warranty and guarantee clauses become void upon payment of invoice.
*
The necessity of making a major design change increases as the fabrication
of the system approaches completion.
*
Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of
the schedule.
*
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms.
Velocity, for example will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
*
An important instruction manual or operating manual will have been
discarded by the receiving department.
*
Suggestions made by the value analysis group will increase costs and reduce
capabilities.
*
Original drawings will be mangled by the copying machine.
*
In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
one person is involved.
*
Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will
do the most damage to the calculation.
*
All constants are variables.
*
A decimal will always be misplaced.
*
In any given computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will
be the source of error.
*
In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move
into the denominator.
*
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
*
Tolerances will accumulate undirectionally toward maximum difficulty of
assembly.
*
Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical
in the field.
*
The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for
that component.
*
If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.
*
If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available.
Further, it cannot be developed with any available series or parallel
combinations.
*
A dropped tool will land where it can do the most damage. (Also known as
the law of selective gravitation.)
*
A device selected at random from a group having 99% reliability, will be
a member of the 1% group.
*
When one connects a 3-phase line, the phase sequence will be wrong.
*
A motor will rotate in the wrong direction.
*
The probability of a dimension being omitted from a plan or drawing is
directly proportional to its importance.
*
Interchangeable parts won't.
*
Probability of failure of a component, assembly, subsystem or system is
inversely proportional to ease of repair or replacement.
*
If a prototype functions perfectly, subsequent production units will
malfunction.
*
Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
*
A d.c. meter will be used on an overly sensitive range and will be wired
in backwards.
*
The most delicate component will drop.
*
Graphics recorders will deposit more ink on humans than on paper.
*
If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
*
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
*
An instantaneous power-supply crowbar circuit will operate too late.
*
A self-starting oscillator won't.
*
A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency...
...If it oscillates.
*
A pnp transistor will be an npn.
*
A zero-temperature-coefficient capacitor used in a critical circuit will
have a TC of -750/oC
*
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
*
A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and
long enough, to pass incoming inspection.
*
A specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.
*
Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will be exceeded.
*
Manufacturer's spec sheets will be incorrect by a factor of 0.5 or 2.0,
depending on which multiplier gives the most optimistic value. For
salesmen's claims these factors will be 0.1 or 10.0.
*
In an instrument of device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
errors, the total error will be the sum of all errors adding in the same
direction.
*
In any given price estimate, cost of equipment will exceed estimate by a
factor of 3.
*
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
*
IN california, everyone either goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is
a therapist going to a therapist.
*
Cannibals are not vegetarians.  They are humanitarians.
*
These ferocious cannibals captured a poor missionary.  He gave them their
first taste of religion.
*
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
*
We've got a cat called Ben Hur.  We called it Ben till it had kittens.
*
To be a celebrity in America is to be forgiven everything.
*
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends
more than two hours working on his hair.
*
I hate champagne more than anything else in the world next to Seven-Up
*
All charming people have something to conceal.  Usually their total
dependence on the appreciation of others.
*
A beauty is a woman you notice.  A charmer is a woman who notices you.
*
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
*
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
*
I never met a kid I liked.
*
There's not a man in america who at one time or another hasn't had a secret
desire to boot a child in the ass.
*
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are in fact,
barely presentable.
*
Never allow your child to call you by your first name.  He hasn't known
you long enough.
*
Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
*
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger
pain the second time around.
*
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
*
Go to church this Sunday - avoid the Christmas rush.
*
He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.
*
Hygiene is the corruption of medicine by morality.
*
Have I got a mother-in-law. she's so neat she puts paper under the
cuckoo clock.
*
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
*
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
*
A well-tied tie is the first in life.
*
The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by
being always absolutely over-dressed.
*
Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join.
*
Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
*
Committees: A group that takes minutes and wastes hours.
*
A group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the necessary.
*
We always carry out by committee anything in which any of us alone could
be to reasonable to persist.
*
To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of whom are absent.
*
Committee work is like a soft chair...
...easy to get into but hard to get out of.
*
A communist is one who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.
*
A communist is a socialist without a sense of humour.
*
Communism might be likened to a race in  which all competitors come in
first with no prizes.
*
Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals.
*
The objection to a communist always resolves itself into the fact that he
is not a gentleman.
*
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
*
Bloke at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.
That's right to China.  Fantastic.  He's out there now trying to win a
trip back!
*
Ah! Mozart. He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
*
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
*
My computing dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman.  Still, I've
got another three goes.
*
The one way sure to conciliate a tiger to allow oneself to be devoured
*
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
*
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
*
Conistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
*
With congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
*
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of
congress. But I repeat myself.
*
Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
*
Conscience:    Something that feels terrible when every thing else feels
               swell.
*
The Nonconformist conscience makes of us all.
*
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
*
Conscience the still small voice that makes you feel still smaller.
*
Conscience and cowardice are really the same.  Conscience is the trade
name of the firm.
*
It is a bizarre biological fact that the Conservative Party can be directed
along a sensible left-wing path only by a leader with impeccable
aristocratic connections.
*
Tories are not always wrong, but they always wrong at the right moment.
*
The Conservative Party is an organized hypocrisy.
*
They are nothing else but a bunch of kippers - two-faced with no guts
*
The trouble with the Conservative Party is that it has not turned the clock
back a single second.
*
A conservative is someone who admires the radicals a century after
they're dead.
*
When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already
rung.
*
A conservative is someone who demands a square deal for the rich.
*
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
*
A conservative is someone who believes in reform.  But not now.
*
The radical invents the views.  When he has worn them out, the conservative
adopts them.
*
A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.
*
Contract: An agreement that is only binding on the weaker party.
*
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
waiting.
*
Where there's smoke, there's toast.
*
My wife does wonderful things with leftovers - she throws them out.
*
She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast
and she was furious.
*
IN GOD WE TRUST: Others pay cash.
*
Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.
*
It's a funny kind of month, October.  For the really keen cricket fan,
it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.
*
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
*
I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever
inhibited by ignorance.
*
I critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
*
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
*
A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him
what he meant.
*
A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car.
*
What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
*
If it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
*
Most women loathe limericks, for the same reason that calves hate
cookbooks.
*
He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it.
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants
to read.
*
I don't know what London's coming to.  The higher the buildings, the lower
the morals.
*
When it's three O'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.
*
Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.
*
Love ... the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and
discovering she looks like a haddock.
*
Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life.
*
Love is the only dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the
species.
*
Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop.
*
Scratch a lover and find a foe.
*
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache
*
Never drink black coffee at lunch.
It will keep you awake in the afternoon.
*
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
*
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for
marriage.
*
A man's friends like him but leave him as he is: his wife loves him and
is always trying to turn him into somebody else.
*
Marriage is a great institution - no family should be without it.
*
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then it
was too late.
*
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.
*
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
*
The first part of our marriage was very happy.  But then, on the way back
from the ceremony...
*
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
*
When it comes to paying, he's the first to put his hand in his pocket.
And leave it there.
*
A minor operation: one performed on somebody else.
*
I met Curzon in Downing Street from whom I got the sort of greeting
a corpse would give to an undertaker.
*
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
*
Meetings ... are rather like cocktail parties.  You don't want to go,
but you're angry not to be asked.
*
I have a memory like an elephant.  In fact, elephants often consult me.
*
Men have a much better time of it than women;
for one thing they marry later;
for another thing they die earlier.
*
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
*
I'd never seen men hold each other.  I thought the only thing they were
allowed to do was shake hands or fight.
*
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
*
Macho does not prove Mucho.
*
I require only three things of a man.  He must be handsome, ruthless and
stupid.
*
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
*
It's not the men in my life that count; it's the life in my men.
*
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
*
On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
*
Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.
*
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
*
Men play the game; women know the score.
*
Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.
*
Middle age is whenever you go on holiday you pack a sweater.
*
Calamities are of two kinds: Misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to
others.
*
A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they
eat him.
*
All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best
thing to do.
*
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from
the noblest of motives.
*
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an
alternative.
*
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times.  I can remember when
the air was clean and sex was dirty.
*
Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how
wonderful you are.
*
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
*
A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him.
*
Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
*
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
*
All right, so I like spending money!  But name one other extravagance.
*
Money is a sixth sense without which you cannot make use of the other five.
*
Money can't buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.
*
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
*
We know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its
periodical fits of morality.
*
Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.
*
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
*
A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is
invariably plain.
*
Morality is the attitude we adopt to people whom we personally dislike.
*
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven thirty in the
morning feeling just plain terrible.
*
Never marry a man who hates his mother because he'll end up hating you.
*
No woman can shake off her mother.  There should be no mothers, only women.
*
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months - I don't like
to interrupt her.
*
I only know two tunes.  One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't.
*
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
*
Music is essentially useless, as life is.
*
I wish the Government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
*
Marie-Joseph?  It's a lovely name!  It just sounds silly, that's all.
*
Now why did you name your baby 'John'?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named
'John'.
*
When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always
look up his sleeve.
*
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road.  They
get run over.
*
An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
*
It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
*
News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
*
No News Is Preferable.
*
I keep reading between the lies.
*
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
*
I love the weight of American Sunday Newspaper
*
My son has taken up doing meditation - at least it's better than sitting
doing nothing.
*
One of the basic freedoms of the Englishman is freedom from culture.
*
Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
*
Cynicism - the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.
*
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
*
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake
*
Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
*
Death is the greatest kick of all - that's why they save it till last.
*
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
*
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily
lying down.
*
If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.
I'd type a little faster.
*
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.
*
Few men by their death have given such deep satisfaction to so many.
*
I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
*
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
*
You haven't lived until you've died in california.
*
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
*
I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved
of it.
*
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
*
A decision is what a man makes when he cannot get anyone to serve on a
committee.
*
All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going
to last.
*
Democracy means government by discussion but it is only effective if you
can stop people talking.
*
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators after they've told you what
you want to hear.
*
One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
*
Democracy is too goo to share with just anybody.
*
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we
deserve.
*
I belong to no organized party - I am a democrat.
*
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
*
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants and the other is getting it.
*
He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
*
I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something
sensational to read in the train.
*
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
*
A really busy person never knows how much he ways.
*
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
days I lost two weeks.
*
My wife is on a diet.  Coconuts and bananas.  She hasn't lost any weight,
but can she climb a tree?!
*
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
*
A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before saying nothing.
*
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success.
*
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
*
My doctor is wonderful.  Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-Rays.
*
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love
yourself.
*
The quickest way to make your own anti-freeze is to hide her nightie.
*
People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the
breakfast table.
*
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a
good time.
*
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.  Trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
*
A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her.
*
A man is never drunk if he can lay his hands on the floor without
holding on.
*
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
*
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
*
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
*
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
*
The dodo is a bird which almost decent by now.
*
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
*
The process of converting steam back to water is called conversation.
*
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
*
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
*
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
*
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
*
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
*
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are
talking about.
*
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
*
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
*
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
*
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
*
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
*
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
*
We believe that the reptiles come from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
*
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
*
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
*
If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
*
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
*
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
*
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
*
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscence
triangle.
*
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
*
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in
the winter.
*
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
*
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
*
It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
*
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more
convulsions.
*
For fainting:
Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
*
For fractures:
To see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
*
For dog bite:
Put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.
*
For nose bleed:  put the nose much lower than the body.
*
For drowning:
Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
perspiration.
*
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
*
For head colds:
Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops your throat.
*
For snakebites:
Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
*
For asphyiation:
Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
*
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.
*
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and
west poles.
*
When water freezes you can walk on it.  That is what Christ did long ago
in wintertime.
*
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
*
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
*
The best number for a dinner party is two.  Myself and a damn good head
waiter.
*
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
*
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
*
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
*
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
*
It's a recession when you're neighbour loses his job.  It's a depression
when you lose your own.
*
Save Water, Shower With A Friend
*
Saving is a fine thing.  Especially when your parents have done it for
you.
*
Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinguish what is worth reading.
*
Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me.
*
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
*
Vote for the man who promises least.  He'll be the least disappointing.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.
*
Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts.
*
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
*
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
*
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
*
In England, failure is all the rage.
*
The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
*
An englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed
by Scotsmen.
*
If it is good to have one foot in England, it is still better, or at least
as good, to have the other out of it.
*
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
*
Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen
*
I don't desire to change anything in England except the weather.
*
I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got
married.
*
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
*
Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself.
*
All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.
*
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
*
Variety is the life if spies.
*
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
*
Social tact is making your company feel al home, even though you wish They
were.
*
No matter if your food is dry or it's oily, it's sure to look better when
placed on a doily.
*
Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
*
Gentlemen do not throw wine at the ladies.  They pour it over them.
*
Manners are especially the need of the plain.  The pretty can get away
with anything.
*
'I suppose it would be a breach of hospitality if I socked my hostess's
sister in the eye?'
*
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
*
Several excuses are always less convincing than one.
*
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
*
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
*
His eyes are so bad, he has to wear contact lenses to see his glasses.
*
Met a guy this morning with a glass eye.  He didn't tell me - it just came
out in the conversation.
*
He had but one eye and the popular prejudice runs in favour of two.
*
A face like a wedding cake left out in the rain..
*
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
*
There is much to be said for failure.  It is more interesting than success.
*
The poor man.  He's completely unspoiled by failure.
*
Failure has gone to his head.
*
We women adore failures.  They lean on us.
*
We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from god to the medical
profession.
*
Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
*
The Falklands war was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
*
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
*
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
*
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations
officers.
*
There is a lot to be said for not being known to the readers of the Daily
Mirror.
*
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette
packet.
*
I'm famous.  That's my job.
*
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
*
The families of one's friends are always a disappointment.
*
A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense
of humus.
*
Fashion: There'll be little change in men's pockets this year.
*
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style.  It will look just
as ridiculous year after year.
*
Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the
boxing glove.
*
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid,
don't look at it for the first two years.
*
The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be
a credit to them.
*
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.
*
A woman's work is never done by men.
*
How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own
before you can punch her in the face?
*
Boy's don't make passes at female smart asses.
*
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
*
Her husband is so bow-legged, she has to iron his underpants on
a boomerang.
*
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and a worm.
*
Flattery must be pretty thick before anybody. objects to it.
*
What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
*
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
*
She's been on more laps than a napkin
*
Flying? I've been to almost as many places as my luggage!
*
If God had intended us to fly, he would never have given us railways.
*
I never worry about the place crashing.  Remember - in the case of an
accident, the pilot is always first on the scene.
*
A folk song is a song that nobody ever wrote.
*
Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
*
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
*
Clams: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served
in an ashtray.
*
The French will only be united under the threat of danger.  Nobody can
simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese.
*
The French drink to get loosened up for an event, to celebrate an event,
and even to recover from an event.
*
France is a place where money falls apart in your hands, but you can't
tear the toilet paper.
*
Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
*
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
*
Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.
*
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
*
In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country
it is a form of popular entertainment.
*
A damn good funeral is still one of our best and cheapest acts of theatre
*
An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
*
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
*
I've had enough of gardening - I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.
*
What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back with a hinge in it.
*
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
*
The public is wonderfully tolerant.  It forgives everything except genius.
*
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
*
A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings,
shows her his etchings.
*
German is the most extravagantly ugly language.  It sounds like someone
using a sick bag on a 747.
*
You never want to give a man a present when he's feeling good.  You want
to do it when he's down.
*
HE has not a single redeeming defect.
*
God is alive- he just doesn't want to get involved.
*
God is dead.  But don't worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.
*
God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing bibles today at Brentano's.
*
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself
to the idea that after all God will not help him.
*
Is man one of God's blunders or is god one of Man's blunders?
*
The Coarse Golfer: One who has to shout 'Fore' when he puts.
*
Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within view of the law, but
being a form of moral effort.
*
Golf is a walk spoiled.
*
The things most people want to know are usually none of their business.
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that's not being talked about.
*
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
*
The only good government ... is a bad one in a hell of a fright.
*
The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
*
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
*
I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
*
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
*
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
*
- I hate Graffiti
- I hate all Italian food
*
Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards.
*
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
*
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
*
Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that
brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.
*
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
*
For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whisky.
*
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth
have both failed.
*
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
*
If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow
a mouse.
*
He's so small, he's the only man I know who has turn-ups on his underpants.
*
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap
as they go by.
*
History is a hard core of interpretation surrounded by a pulp of disputable
facts.
*
History is too serious to be left to historians.
*
Hagel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never
learn anything from history.
*
If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the
Devil in the house of commons.
*
This man is dangerous; he believes what he says.
*
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are Bigger
than yours.
*
Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of the country is advocaat,
a drink made from lawyers.
*
Hollywood - where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
*
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a
fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producers
heart.
*
Beverly Hills is very exclusive.  For instance, their fire department won't
make house calls.
*
Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
*
Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
*
They live inn a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.
*
Homosexuality is a sickness, just as are baby rape or wanting to become
head of General Motors.
*
I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to
tell your mother.
*
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
*
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
*
I have nothing against Hampstead.  I used to live there myself when I was
an intellectual.  I gave that up when I became Leader of the House.
*
The cure for admiring the house of lords is to go and look at it.
*
The house of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired politicians.
*
Like many other anachronisms in British public life, the House of Lords
has one supreme merit.  It works.
*
The House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.
*
The House of Lords has a value ... it is good evidence of life after death.
*
The House of Lords is a perfect eventide home.
*
I hate housework!  You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months
later you have to start all over again.
*
Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth
after they inherit it.
*
Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour,
the writing is on the wall.
*
Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
*
Nothing spoils a romance so much as the sense of humour in the woman
or the want of it in a man.
*
Husbands are like fires.  They go out if unattended.
*
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerver has been extracted.
*
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
*
Hypochondriac: someone who enjoys bad health.
*
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
*
An idea that is dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
*
What he doesn't know would make a library anybody would be proud of.
*
I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
*
One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.
*
Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.  Health
is the primary duty of life.
*
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
*
His indecision is final.
*
They call him 'jigsaw' because every time he's faced with a problem he
goes to pieces.
*
Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.
*
'Sub-' is no idle prefix in it's application to this continent.
*
To eat is human, to digest, divine.
*
No one can make you feel inferior with your consent.
*
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
*
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
*
Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to.
*
It's a gorgeous gold pocket watch.  I'm proud of it.  My grandfather, on
his deathbed sold me this watch.
*
To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
*
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
*
What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in his stupidity.
*
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I would gladly eat a
network executive or politician.
*
He has left his body to science - and science is contesting the will.
*
Make yourself at home, Frank.  Hit somebody.
*
Insurance:     An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is
               permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is
               beating the man who keeps the table.
*
Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
*
Intuition:     The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right,
               whether she is or not.
*
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching
television by candlelight.
*
Other people have a nationality.  The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
*
The Irish people do not gladly suffer common sense.
*
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
*
My one claim to fame among Irishmen is that I never make a speech.
*
Very little counts for less in Italy that the state.
*
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
*
Playing 'bop' is like playing scrabble with all the vowels missing.
*
If you're in jazz and more than ten people like you, you're labelled
'commercial'.
*
No one ever made more trouble than the 'gentle Jesus meek and mild'.
*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented out my
room.
*
It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
*
The labour Party Marxists see the consequences of their own folly all
around them and call it the collapse of capitalism.
*
I do not often attack the labour party.  They do it so well themselves.
*
Everybody has a right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
*
The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless.
*
Die, my dear doctor?  That's the last thing I shall do.
*
If this is dying, I don't think much of it.
*
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it
principally in one spot.
*
He who laughs, lasts.
*
She had a penetrating sort of laugh.  Rather like a train going into
a tunnel.
*
It is illegal to make liquor privately, or water publicly.
*
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the
better lawyer.
*
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
*
Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.
*
As a boy, he swallowed a teaspoon.  And he hasn't stirred since.
*
I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight back to bed!
*
I must follow them.  I am their leader.
*
He told her her stockings were wrinkled.  Trouble was, she wasn't wearing
any.
*
He's a distinguished man of letters.  He works for the Post Office.
*
A liberal is a conservative who's been mugged by reality.
*
A liberal is a man who leaves the room when a fight begins.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
*
I can remember when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.
*
Liberty means responsibility.  That is why most men dread it.
*
A lie can be half way round the world before the truth has got its boots
on.
*
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
*
A lie is an abomination unto the lord and a very present help in trouble.
*
I was brought up in a clergyman's house so I am a first-class liar.
*
Life is a hereditary disease.
*
Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned
to walk.
*
The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and
obsolescence.
*
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
*
Life is too short for men to take it seriously.
*
An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
*
It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
*
News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
*
No News Is Preferable.
*
I keep reading between the lies.
*
I read the newspaperr avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
*
I love the weight of American Sunday Newspapers.  Pulling them up off the
floor is good for the figure.
*
People everywhere confuse
what they read in the newspapers with news.
*
You should always believe all you read in the newspapers, as this makes
them more interesting.
*
Any man with ambition, integrity - and $10,000,000 - can start a daily
newspaper.
*
Early in life I noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a
newspaper.
*
I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our
newspapers make it.
*
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints
the chaff.
*
In the old days men had the rack, now they have the press.
*
Terrible Tragedy in South Seas.  Three million people trapped alive!
*
Nixon is a purposeful man, but I have great faith in his cowardice.
*
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
*
Noise:   A stench in the ear.  The chief product and authenticating sign
         of civilisation.
*
Every novel should have a beginning, a muddle and an end.
*
Don't miss our show!  Six beautiful dancing girls!
Five beautiful costumes!
*
If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born
that way.
*
I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be ...
*
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
*
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
*
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
*
We think he's dead, but we're afraid to ask.
*
I will never be an old man.  To me, old age is always fifteen years older
than I am.
*
I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
*
Old age is life's parody.
*
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
*
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
*
Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.
*
The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too long.
*
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
*
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
Italian.
*
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving
taxi cabs and cutting hair.
*
... an unbiased opinion is always absolutely valueless.
*
Opportunity: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
*
An optimist is a man who starts a crossword puzzle with a fountain pen.
*
At six I was left an orphan.  What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to
do with an orphan?
*
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
*
Than an oyster
There's nothing moister.
*
"What the hell are tigers doing in an African jungle? Doesn't he know that
tigers can only be found in Asia?"
"You know it, and I know it, but do TIGERS know it??"
*
"Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The Earth does not have limbs
and muscles; therefore it does not move".
*
Cats know precisely when their owners will wake up.
Then promptly awaken them 10 minutes earlier.
*
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
*
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
*
You can lead a horse to water!!
Get him to float on his back, and you've got something.
*
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio.
*
Running a business is about 95% people, and 5% economics.
*
To Noah!
The only man in history, who has been able to float a limited company,
while the rest of the world has gone into liquidation.
*
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
*
Always draw your curves, then plot the readings.
*
Variables won't; constants aren't.
*
LANDAU'S PROGRAMMING PARADOXES
  (1)  The world's best programmer has to be someone.
  (2)  The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time
       computing, and the more time it spends time doing more human like
       work.
  (3)  A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon, and will
       specify software only that far.
  (4)  When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked,
       and will work again some day.
*
All the world's an analog stage, and digital computers play only bit parts.
*
Shareware will remain a viable marketing method, as long as the users
(who can't live without a Shareware product), realize that the Authors
can't LIVE without their registration fees.
*
By holding "Nude disco's", Stockport has confirmed itself as a modern
liberated Town, and rather more than a Railway Junction!'
*
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
*
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
*
Penicillin - The only thing to give a man who has everything.
*
Recipe (in its entirety) for boiled owl:
Take feathers off.
Clean owl, and put in cooking pot with lots of water.
Add salt to taste.
*
A glutton is the person who beats you to the last bit of cake.
*
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
*
Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
*
Happiness is good health, and a bad memory.
*
Exercise is best started gradually. Today I shall attempt to register
a pulse.
*
Jogging is 50% mental. PANT, PANT, JOG, SWEAT, JOG, SWEAT.
I'll work the other 50% off some other time!!
*
Old people shouldn't eat health foods.  They need all the preservatives
they can get.
*
Are you going to come quietly, or am I going to have to wear earplugs.
*
Life is like the wife - you wake up in the morning and it's waiting for you
*
There's no such thing as sanity, and that's the sanest fact.
*
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
*
The difference between yoghurt and Slough, is that yoghurt has an active,
living culture.
*
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
*
I have a simple philosophy.
Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.
*
Jigsaw's were invented by a Scotsman, who dropped a 5 pounds in a mincer.
*
The Gas Board is coming - So is Christmas, we'll see which arrives first.
*
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
*
Our Toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on Bread.
It also has two settings... Too Soon, or Too Late.
*
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
*
There are two things no man will admit he can't do well,
drive and make love.
*
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
*
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
*
Whatever it is, it won't work.
*
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
It works better if you plug it in.
*
There's nothing like a well timed fact, to take the wind out of a
Know-All's sails.
*
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
*
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
*
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
*
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
*
Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
*
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by, not simplifying.
*
Woodpecker's, like British Telecom, have long bills.
*
Reality is for people who can't cope with their drugs.
*
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
*
"It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open ones mouth and
remove all possible doubt".
*
Being wrong is a natural gift. You cannot learn it, and some people have
a particular genius in this direction, being wrong for months at a time.
*
A Psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Follies Bergere, and looks at the
audience.
*
There's a difference between philosophy, and a bumper sticker.
*
Engineering students are often puzzled by the fact that the most
streamlined girls offer the most resistance.
*
If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.
*
Definition of love - A misunderstanding between two idiots.
*
Last night I had a dream,
a dream that made me laugh,
I dreamt I was a bar of soap,
and you were in the bath!!
*
A committee is a group which keeps minutes, and wastes hours.
*
Never underestimate a woman, unless you are discussing her age or weight.
*
A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
*
A friend in need is a pain in the arse.
*
Somewhere out there, is a V.A.T return with your name on it.
*
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl, in a light so dim, he would not
have chosen a suit by it.
*
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
*
I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
*
Love is a grave mental disease.
*
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers, and they are going
to make a game out of it.
*
I married beneath me.  All women do.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
*
When the wife is away, the only time I know my dinner is ready,
is when it sets off the smoke alarm!!
*
Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law.
*
An optimist is a man who marries his secretary, with the idea that he'll
be able to carry on dictating to her!
*
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister??
*
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man,
is when he's a baby.
*
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,
and then they marry him.
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
Bees are never as busy as they sound,
they just don't know how to buzz slower.
*
The cause of problems are solutions!
*
If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.
*
Nostalgia is OK, but it's not what it used to be.
*
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
*
If everything seems easy, you have obviously overlooked something.
*
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
*
Pros are those who do their jobs well, even when they don't feel like it.
*
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
*
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
*
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
*
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way, that leaves practically
nothing unsaid.
*
They told him the job couldn't be done,
He rolled up his sleeves and set to it.
He tackled the job that couldn't be done,
And he couldn't do it.
*
He who ploughs a straight furrow, is probably in a rut.
*
Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
*
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
*
Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one
can go.
*
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
*
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
*
Some people confuse boredom with security.
*
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
*
Those who think they know it all, upset those of us who do.
*
"You will never amount to very much".
*
"Man is an indefinable creature. The Ancient Greeks pondered over the amber
 glow that emanates from two materials in friction. Today we have the
 science of Electronics".
*
"The very last man on Earth sat alone.  There was a knock at the door..."
*
"Kurt Semen had been repeatedly jailed for disturbing the peace,
 and inciting unnecessary Pathos..."
*
The circumjacence to which this field of enquiry is prometheatery, is
sacrosanct to the correlation that is pertinent to this leit-motiv
Professionals have sat in conclave over the contingencies of this milieu.
However inglorious Virtuosos pontificate the derivative of this, but
coadjutors are unempowered to appraise the efficacy of such endeavours.
*
Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs his roots.
*
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
*
When in doubt, smile - It always makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
*
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
*
DECISION MAKING
   (1)  If you must make a decision, delay it.
   (2)  If you can authorise someone else to avoid a decision, do so!
   (3)  If you can form a committee, have them avoid a decision.
   (4)  If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.
*
I knew it. Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
*
Sometimes when you least expect it, Monday strikes!!
*
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life
*
You know it's Monday, when you find a land-mine in your Corn Flakes.
*
Always set your alarm clock early, that way you can oversleep longer!!
*
Wake up with a smile on your face, sleep with a coathanger in your mouth.
*
A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
*
"The Marriage Of Figaro is far too noisy, my dear Mozart.
 Far too many notes".
*
"If Beethoven's seventh symphony is not by some means abridged, it will
 soon fall into disuse".
*
"The Beatles - We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the
 way out."
*
"I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!
 It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is haled as a genius. Why,
 in comparison with him, Raff is a genius".
*
"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant,
 if not utterly impossible".
*
"Rail travel at high speeds above 20 miles per hour is not possible,
 because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia".
*
Why don't you get a haircut?  You look like a chrysanthemum.
*
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, and scream and shout.
*
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be enjoying
themselves.
*
Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
*
Is the grave of Karl Marx another Communist plot??
*
Massachusett's has some of the best politicians money can buy.
*
Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
*
Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.
*
The wrong sort of people are always in power, because they would not be in
power if they were not the wrong sort of people.
*
Democratic Government is a thing like falling in love, or blowing one's own
nose. These things we want a man to do for himself, even if he does them
badly.
*
There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
*
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
*
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
*
I reserve my abuse for lower life forms, like Civil Servants.
*
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
*
Gravity doesn't exist, the earth sucks.
*
"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
 Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
 atoms is talking moonshine".
*
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!!
*
If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
*
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No".
*
The God's play games with men as balls.
*
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle.  Unless you die
of something.
*
Religions change; Beer and Wine remain.
*
The chicken probably came before the egg, because it is hard to imagine
God wanting to sit on an egg.
*
In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
*
Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
*
Everybody should believe in something:  I believe I'll have another drink.
*
The reason why there is so much smog in L.A. is so that God can't see what
they are doing down there.
*
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
*
GOD is not dead, but alive and well, and working on a much less ambitious
project.
*
When GOD made women, he was only testing.
*
"Heaven and Earth were created all together in the same instant,
 October 23rd, 4004 BC, at nine o'clock in the morning".
*
GOD may have created the World in 6 days, but he didn't have to do it
in triplicate.
*
And GOD said "Let there be light", and there was light, and GOD saw that
is was good, and put the bloody electricity bill up by 4 pence a unit.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely.
*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
and so an I.
*
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
*
When a waitress puts the dinner on the table, the old men look at the
dinner & the young men look at the waitress.
*
When turkeys mate they think of swans
*
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her friends.
*
Are contraceptives unavailable for sale during a French postal strike??
*
A girl's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must sometimes
be parted.
*
Women are the best other sex men have, (discounting sheep).
*
She was only a morse code operator's daughter,
but she DID IT, DID IT, DID DID DID IT.
*
When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I've never tried
before.
*
All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy, and Jill a rich widow.
*
The greatest labour-saving device of today, is TOMORROW!!
*
A specialist is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
*
The only man to get his work done by Friday, was Robinson Crusoe.
*
Some people get bent with toil, and some get crooked trying to avoid it.
*
A worker's rights are those which belong to him, which he can't have.
*
The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time.
The last 10% of the task takes 90% of the time.
*
No guts, No Glory!
*
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
*
Bonking can seriously damage your eyesight, but it's worth the optician's
fees.
*
I said, Prick his Boil!!
*
Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
*
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
*
The report of my death has been greatly exaggerated.
*
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
*
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
*
An Englishman, even if he is quite alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
*
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
*
The English find ill health not only interesting but respectable,
and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.
*
One of the freedoms of the English is the freedom from culture.
*
Englishmen know instinctively that whatever the world needs most is
whatever is best for Great Britain.
*
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes
*
When two Englishmen meet their first talk is of the weather.
*
The English never forgive a man for being clever.
*
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
*
The English never smash in a face.  They merely refrain from asking it to
dinner.
*
Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.
*
Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and only eating the top half of
each one.
*
If you become a success, you don't change - everyone else does.
*
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  There's no use
being a damned fool about it.
*
The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy
for you.
*
Success is being nothing but a quote.
*
We must believe in luck for how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?
*
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
*
Success is one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
*
Success is a public affair.  Failure is a private funeral.
*
Illness can be cured by shining different coloured lights on the afflicted
parts of the body.
*
Education can cause a woman's uterus to shrivel.
*
Thinking is done by tiny creatures in the brains called menorgs
and disorgs.
*
The deceased should be preserved by electroplating them.
*
The earth is a hollow shell and we live on the inside.
*
Men and women are two different species, descended from different animals.
*
Women who want to give birth to girls should eat a high protein diet, and
avoid eggs, fish, meat and cheese if they want boys.
*
The Sun is a lens made of ice which creates heat by focusing the brilliance
of God.
*
Wheat was given to us by extraterrestrials called the Manu.
*
The weight of moonlight on the oceans causes the water to spread out to
the edges of the land.
*
Marie Scott, from Fleetwood, the 17-year-old who has really plummeted
to the top.
*
She's dragged the javelin back into the twentieth century.
*
Her time about 4.13, which she's capable of...
*
She never knows when she's beaten except when she actually is.
*
As they come through absolutely together with Wells in first place.
*
Two little jumps here - one big one and one small one.
*
There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with twenty thousand people...
*
He is even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
*
And he can't afford to be beaten because, if he is, he'll be beaten.
*
A very powerful set of lungs, very much hidden by that chest of his.
*
Virren, the champion, came in fifth place, and ran a champion's race.
*
Within a few hours, in Moscow, the Olympic Flame will have been put into
cold storage for another four years.
*
Michelle Ford...is Australia's first Olymic medal for four years.
*
And our next race is the next race.
*
The record is 38 seconds; one of the best times ever.
*
He is going up and down like a metronome.
*
This man could be a black horse.
*
He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics, so he's used to being out
in front.
*
...and the crowd are absolutely standing up.
*
The boy swims like a greyhound.
*
...he just can't believe what's not happening to him.
*
Lillian's great strength is her strength.
*
Both these players seem to anticipate the play of the other almost before
its happened.
*
The French are not normally a Nordic skiing nation
*
There'll be only one winner now - in every sense.
*
And the race is all about first, second and third.
*
Harvey Glance, the black American sprinter with the white top and the black
bottom...
*
There is only one winner in this race.
*
...and the winner is the winner.
*
Bradford, who had gone up from 200 metres to 400, found it hard going and
for the last 100 was always going backwards.
*
Coe has made absolutely no move at all down the back straight.
*
And Brian Hooper will have that recurring dream again and again...
*
I was ranked fourth in the world and you know what that means?
I was fourth in the world.
*
An the crowd go wild as they see the shaven head of Hagler enter the
auditorium.  And there he is, hooded...
*
He has had 24 fights, lost one, so he is undefeated.
*
Born in Italy, most of his fights have been in his native New York.
*
Minter the undisputed world champion leaves the ring not a champion.
*
Well, I'm hoping we can fight again, or at least have a re-match
*
To be honest, it was a very physical fight...
*
They've given it all tonight, but there's a little bit left to give yet.
*
It's his second finger - technically his third.
*
It's a unique occasion, really - a repeat of Melbourne 1977.
*
Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.
*
If you're going to lose, you might as well lose good and proper
and try to sneak a win.
*
It's physically and mentally soul-destroying.
*
The game's a little bit wide open again.
*
Well, Wally, I've been watching this game both visually and on TV.
*
He's on 90, 10 away from that mythical figure...
*
And we have just heard, although this is not the latest score from
Bournemouth that Hampshire have beaten Nottinghamshire by nine wickets.
*
Lillee bowled seven overs, no maidens, no wickets for 35,
and I think that's a true reflection of his figures, too.
*
...and England win by a solitary nine runs.
*
The obvious successor to Brearley at the moment isn't obvious.
*
After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out.
*
The hallmark of a great captain is the ability to win the toss at
the right time.
*
The Tour De France is a totally different ball game from English
cycle-racing.
*
Tonight, the same as usual, a dartboard with a difference.
*
Three 140s on the trot - the last one was 100.
*
Within a couple of minutes he had scored two goals in a two minute period.
*
For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows.
*
The score is Middlesborough 1, Middlesborough 0 - and Middlesborough have
now gone eleven matches without a win.
*
After a goalless first half, the score at half-time is 0-0.
*
Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hooped shirts...they look like
a team of Zebras.
*
So far Villa have only troubled Bradshaw twice with shots that did not
trouble him.
*
Without picking out individuals, I thought Gary Stanley did very well
indeed.
*
Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried.
*
I promise results, not promises.
*
And so Tottenham in the last two years have never left London; but now
they've been drawn away from home to meet Chelsea.
*
I wouldn't mind being a fly on Larry Lloyd's shorts.
*
My left foot is not one of my best.
*
...and their manager, Terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he
is elsewhere.
*
I have other irons in the fire, but I'm keeping them close to my chest.
*
I don't think they are as good as they are.
*
History, as John Bond would agree, is all about todays and not yesterdays.
*
The advantage of being at home is very much with the home side.
*
Tottenham have the bullets that can produce the goods.
*
Some of these players never dreamed they'd be playing in a Cup Final at
Wembley - but here they are today, fulfilling those dreams.
*
The Israeli captain has 63 caps under his belt.
*
Both the Villa scorers, Withe and Mortimer, were born in Liverpool -
as was the Villa manager Ron Sauders, who was born in Birkenhead.
*
So different from the scenes in 1872, at the Cup Final that none of us can
remember.
*
And now, the familiar sight of Liverpool raising the League Cup for the
first time.
*
Four-nil up, they were at half-time - all in the first half, those.
*
With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with a header.
*
Nick Holmes also got two today, as Southampton won 3-0 at Leeds.
Nick Holmes got the other.
*
Last time Brighton and Manchester United met they drew two-all,
and two of these were Manchester United's.
*
If we can stop hooliganism, we can go a long way towards stemming this
great tide of people not going to football matches.
*
If there wasn't such thing as a football, we'd all be frustrated
footballers.
*
I don't think, Brian.  You don't think in this game.
*
Liverpool always seem to find a boot at the right moment to keep Birmingham
City at arm's length.
*
All the team are 100% behind the manager, but I can't speak for the rest of
the squad.
*
You can imagine how they feel...surrounded by their manager Ron Greenwood.
*
We don't always get from the slow motion the pace at which they play.
*
And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored
last season.
*
He's got a left foor, and left foots are like bricks of gold.
*
Thank you for evoking memories - particularly of days gone by.
*
You can't really call yourselves giant-killers any more, as you kill giants
so often.
*
So Liverpool are ahead two-one.  It couldn't be a closer lead.
*
Lawrenson slipped the ball through to Williams, and he beat Shilton from
35 yards... and you don't beat Shilton from 35 yards.
*
There aren't many last chances left for him.
*
That chance was too easy.  If it had been harder he would probably have
scored.
*
Kilmarnock versus Partic Thistle, match postponed...that, of course, is a
latest score.
*
It was forest's night on Tuesday, but it looks like being Liverpool's night
this afternoon.
*
I would advise anyone coming to the match to come early and not leave until
the end, otherwise they might miss something.
*
2-0 is a fair reflection of the scoreline.
*
Pat Jennings clapped his hand round the ball like banging a piece of toast.
*
Bolton are on the crest of a slump.
*
You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made...
I counted four and possibly five.
*
My father was a miner and he worked down a mine.
*
You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, it was so electric.
*
Hollins, of course, never believes that a match has finished until the
final whistle has blown.
*
Peter Ward has become a new man.  Just like his old self.
*
The Bulgarians are going forward, more in hope than optimism.
*
There's nothing like second best, and that's what Liverpool are not!
*
The European Cup, almost 17 pounds of silver that's worth its weight
in gold.
*
Well, the game isn't over yet, there's still 83 minutes to go.
*
That was Borissov...the man with the left foot.
*
Dalglish - he's the sort of player who's so unique.
*
Bulgaria were quite literally not at the match.
*
The ball has broken 50/50 for Kevin Keegan
*
Well, gentlemen, when one team scores early in the game it often takes an
early lead.
*
We are now into the third and final quarter of this game.
*
Norwich's goal was scored by Kevin Bond, who is the son of his father.
*
And, on the eve of the Bob Hope Classic...an interview with the man himself,
Gerry Ford.
*
Mansell with this power disadvantage over the McLaren.
*
It looks as though that premature excitement may have been premature.
*
And Harvey Smith is on the phone now and I think that means he's on
the phone.
*
So far this year there haven't been any world class steeplechase times
anywhere in the world.
*
Robin Cousins, with a superficial face wound on his leg.
*
You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
*
He's in front of everyone in this race except for the two in front of him.
*
Into lap 53, the penultimate lap but one.
*
Here's Giacomelli - driving like the veteran he is not.
*
There's enough Ferraris there to eat a plate of spaghetti.
*
Only ten of the starters who began this race are left.
*
I make no apologies for their absence; I'm sorry they're not here.
*
The battle is well and truly on if it wasn't before, and it certainly was.
*
And how long have you had this lifelong ambition?
*
The Speed of light is very fast.
*
Tell me what you do for a living - you're an insurance broker, aren't you?
*
Two million pounds' worth of priceless prints and drawings have already been
moved there.
*
Conditions on the road are bad, so if you are just
setting off for work, leave a little earlier.
*
For people who like that sort of thing, that's the sort of thing they like.
*
Absolutely right.  You're walking through this competition like a piece of
cake.
*
And now to the subjects of law, and international law - subjects usually as
dry as ditchwater.
*
I must apologise to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.
*
It's so true to life it's hardly true.
*
Some of the crowd have decided to voice their opinion by staying away.
*
So the VAT increase on a secondhand car is just another added addition.
*
And for those of you watching who haven't television sets, live commentary
is on Radio 2.
*
We're ten years old this week.  It's a one off thing.  It won't happen
again for another ten years.
*
Send in competition answers with your name, age and how old you are.
*
Gilmore could have lived as long as he'd liked.  He could have lived for
the rest of his life.
*
A fast has no real nutritional value.
*
I have already not made that point
*
The robbery was committed by a pair of identical twins.  Both are said to be
aged about 20.
*
53 points - a world record.  I don't think that's been equalled before.
*
You don't get once-in-a-lifetime offers like this every day.
*
Fifty-eight per cent of all cars coming into Britain are imported.
*
Most gays have heterosexual parents.
*
After a period of years the new skin gets older and older.
*
We'll be back at the same time next week at the slightly later time of ten
past eleven.
*
The good thing about these dark nights is that you can't see how dark and
horrible it is outside.
*
He lived until he was 80 - from when he was born until he died.
*
In one consecutive hour we had two programs on the same subject.
*
Traffic in the Wandsworth one-way system is very heavy in both directions.
*
I feel we are the only country in the world that doesn't have a British
film industry any more.
*
One saw the face of British humour being changed single-handedly...
almost by one man.
*
There they are, every colour of the rainbow: black, white, brown.
*
It's four minutes to eight - that's the time.
*
And I think Valentino would have suffered the same death had he lived.
*
Agatha Christie is such a well-known name, her books sell all over the world -
and other places as well.
*
It's one of those things you wouldn't know unless you knew it.
*
Aircraft are central to Western Air Policy
*
At the moment we're testing the performance of the engine on this engine
performance tester.
*
It was a sudden and unexpected suprise.
*
There's a sight to take your breath away - the smell of hyacinths.
*
I'm hopeful until the last hour of the last minute.
*
We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds.
*
Mrs Thatcher...greeted by a small multitude.
*
Fighting broke out in the Indian Parliament and one 'Untouchable' MP
was punched on the nose.
*
The Police, down one place to number two - they just didn't make it to
number one.
*
Welcome to our lunchtime soiree.
*
I visited Bob Marley's grave.  It was on an inaccessible mountain top.
*
They've written their own number - it's an original number and it's written
by themselves.
*
It's surprising - all the Beatles are still older than the Shadows, after
all this time.
*
And at number five, down seven places, the Gibson Brothers.
*
The record of Buddy Holly I like best is one he made before he died.
*
He was one of the all-time greats of all time.
*
And thanks too for the signed autograph.
*
It's so easy to have a fatal accident and ruin your life.
*
That was Bob Dylan, who was, and still is, white.
*
The luggage has already departed - that's why we're all so excited.
*
And some of the fireworks will go whizz-bang, and some will go bang-whizz.
*
So near and yet so close came the Irish to success.
*
Rafter, again doing much of the unseen work which the crowd relishes
so much.
*
Hurricane Higgins can either win or lose this final match tomorrow.
*
A two frame lead is really only one.
*
He made a break of 98 which was almost one hundred.
*
This has been the story of his life for most of this match.
*
And Alex has literally come back from the dead.
*
We've had three other snooker centuries...this will make the fifth.
*
I am speaking from a deserted and virtually empty Crucible Theatre.
*
Griffiths is snookered behind the brown, which, for those of you watching
in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink.
*
A sudden burst of consistency from Feaver.
*
So many ambitions lie buried on the surface of tthese famouse clay courts.
*
It looks as though the end is over.
*
Miss Stove seems to be going off the boil.
*
Some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future.
*
He's 31 this year.  Last year he was 30.
*
The late start is due to the time.
*
And she finally tastes the sweet smell of success.
*
Coe has smashed the world record - 1 minute 44.92 seconds has never been
run easier.
*
And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes
three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
*
It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American
soil.
*
And the mile once again becomes the focal point where it's always been.
*
They said it would last two rounds - They were half wrong, it lasted four.
*
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
*
I don't know what impressive is, but Joe was impressive tonight.
*
I can only see it going one way, that's my way.  How it's actually going to
go I can't really say.
*
And somewhat surprisingly Cambridge have won the toss.
*
Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool.
*
The first time you face up to a googly you're going to be in trouble
if you've never faced one before.
*
He'll certainly want to start by getting off the mark.
*
I was surprised when Geoff Howarth won the toss.
*
People started calling me 'Fiery' because 'Fiery' rhymes with 'Fred' just
like 'Typhoon' rhymes with 'Tyson'.
*
So that's 57 runs needed by Hampshire in 11 overs and it doesn't need a
calculator to tell us that the run rate required is 5.1818 recurring.
*
That's a remarkable catch by Yardley specially as the ball quite literally
rolled along the ground towards him.
*
Unless something happens that we can't predict, I don't think a lot will
happen.
*
An interesting morning, full of interest.
*
I think if you've got a safe pair of hands, you've got a safe pair
of hands.
*
The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dartboard.
*
Whoever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins.
*
And Meade had a hat trick.  He scored two goals.
*
The boys' feet have been up in the clouds since the win.
*
Bryan Robson - well, he does what he does and his future is in the future.
*
Well clearly Graeme it all went to plan - what was the plan exactly?
*
Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke familly...and he's one of them,
of course.
*
It's a Renaissance - or, put more simply, some you win, some you lose.
*
I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself.
*
Football's a game of skill...we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit.
*
There is no change in the top six of Div. II except that Leeds United have
moved into the top six.
*
So that's 1-0, sounds like the score at Bondary Park where of course it's
2-2.
*
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision.
*
I do want to play the long ball and I do want to play the short ball.
I think long and short balls is what football is all about.
*
At the end of the day, it's all about what's on the shelf at the end of the
year.
*
I am a firm believer that if you have to score one goal the other team will
have to score two to win.
*
So it means that, mathematically, Southampton have 58 points.
*
If you had to name one particular person to blame it would have to be the
players.
*
We are the victims of our own problems.
*
Here's Brian Flynn.  His official height is five feet five and he doesn't
look much taller than that.
*
Mabut has now played seven consecutive games for England.  This is the
seventh.
*
I'd have to be superman to do some of the things I'm supposed to have done.
I've been in six different places at six different times.
*
That's a question-mark everyone's asking.
*
Well, as for Ian Rush - he's perfectly fit - apart, that is, from his
physical fitness...
*
I'm not going to make it a target but it's something to aim for.
*
Well Ibrox is filling up slowly but rapidly.
*
We are quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas day.
*
He put it just where he meant it and it passed the Luxembourg goalpost by
18 inches.
*
The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.
*
The only thing that Norwich didn't get was the goal that they finally got.
*
Football's football; if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that
it is.
*
I predicted in August Celtic would reach the final.  On the eve of the
final I stand by that prediction.
*
And with 8 minutes left the game could be won or lost in the next 5 or
10 minutes.
*
It's a game of two teams.
*
Systems are made by players rather than players making systems.
*
I don't really believe in targets, because my next target is to beat
Stoke City.
*
And at the end of the season you can only do as well as what you have done.
*
They can crumble as easily as ice cream in this heat.
*
Don't tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match.
Now let's have another look at Italy's winning goal.
*
The acoustics seem to get louder.
*
Being given chances - and not taking them.  That's what life's all about.
*
And Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular.
*
To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.
*
Even when you're dead you shouldn't lie down and let yourself be buried.
*
But the ball was going all the way, right away, eventually.
*
The Spaniards have been reduced to aiming aimless balls into the box.
*
On this 101st FA Cup Final day, there are just two teams left.
*
That shot might not have been as good as it might have been.
*
Football's all about 90 minutes.
*
I felt a lump in my my mouth as the ball went in.
*
It's always satisfying to beat Arsenal, as indeed Arsenal would admit.
*
John Bond has brought in a young left sided midfield player who, I guess,
will play on the left side of the midfield.
*
And the second goal was a blueprint of the first.
*
One of Asa's great qualities is not scoring goals.
*
Whelan was in the position he was, exactly.
*
It feels like winning the cup final, if that's what it feels like.
*
The lastplayer to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson.
He even had a finnal named after him - the Matthews final.
*
The match has beocme quite unpredictable - but it still looks as though
Arsenal will win the cup.
*
Great goal by Moss - straight into the textbook.
*
If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that's backwards.
*
Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score might
suggest it was.
*
I don't know if that result's enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom
of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland.
*
He certainly didn't appear as cool as he looked.
*
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and my father.
*
There's Pam watching anxiously.  She doesn't look anxious though.
*
As you travel the world, do you do a lot of travelling?
*
He's a very competitive competitor, that's the sort of competitor he is.
*
Just look at that.  Nine 'six' marks, every one of them a 'six'.
*
Even as I speak, in four hours time the Kyalami Grand Prix will roar away.
*
The lead is now 6.9 seconds.  In fact it's just under 7 seconds.
*
I wonder if Watson is in the relaxed state of mind he's in.
*
The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second - which is less than
one second.
*
Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.
*
You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one.
*
And the hourglass ticking off the seconds.
*
He has waited 6 years to meet the brothher he never new he had.
*
You went to Miami, to the Kennedy Space Centre.  You were obviously
in Florida.
*
How priceless are these things?
*
As usual it's 3 minutes past 8 o'clock.
*
Looks like a busy weekend on the ferries, particularly Saturday and Sunday.
*
It is now 5 past 12, sometime on Sunday night.
*
Has there ever been any link between asbestos and asbestos-linked diseases?
*
Nobody could convince me that they'd still be alive if they hadn't been
wearing a seatbelt.
*
It was the most unanimous decision I have seen.
*
As our regular listeners will know, Christmas has come and gone.
*
And it's exactly 9 minutes past 9 - and that doesn't happen very often.
*
Clacton Pier Management who have spent two million pounds in as many years.
*
Of course Kirkpatrick will serve nowhere near the 900 years to which he has
been sentenced because the system in Northern Island allows for up to 50%
remission for good behaviour.
*
Les Dawson offers his congratulations on the birth of the baby - and after
all, he should know.  He drove tanks in Korea.
*
Many people think that Joan of Arc was immortal but she did in fact exist.
*
The British troops are now close enough to Port Stanley to see Argentinians
in their houses eating their dinner through binoculars.
*
This marks the end of a long life and an even longer career.
*
Nuclear war lies, if it lies anywhere, in the future.
*
The time at 8.20, coming up to 8.20.
*
When this table was first made it was brand new.
*
Last time they went out and they got their fingers burnt.  What guarantee
can you give that they wont catch a cold this time?
*
What sun there was today could be counted on one hand.
*
You can bet your boots if the shoe was on the other foot the Americans
wouldn't wear it.
*
Butter is just the pawn in the political game of draughts.
*
One should be suspicious of any vehicle whhich gives rise to suspicion.
*
They speak all languages of the rainbow there.
*
I turned to see the onlookers looking on.
*
And for those who want to deal in metric that's a girth of 22 feet and
a height of about 230 feet.
*
I don't think it's any less important for not being terribly important.
*
This one is for Nigel Addison - I went to school with a Nigel Addison,
I wonder if it's his brother.
*
I see my mum as much as I like - which is not as often as I'd like.
*
But obviously you do other things beside dedicating your lives 24 hours
a day to ballet.
*
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
*
If I were chairman of the election campaign committee,
that somebody would be me.
*
I don't want to make any previous statement on that.
*
This is the greatest record of all time for me at the moment.
*
On Monday we'll have Jerry Lee Lewis, on Tuesday Chuck Berry and
on Wednesday Elvis Presley, though not in that order.
*
John Paul Young with his Greatest and only Hit.
*
If there are as many Flintstones fans around as me,
this will be a monster hit.
*
I don't know if I have heard that before - if so it was on a record
I haven't played.
*
I ever thought Jeff Beck and myself would ever play together, but I was
there the night it happened.
*
Spice is the variety of life.
*
And you can't get much further outside the Top Ten than number eleven.
*
Ian Gillan.  A lot of people think his image is not right,
but they'd be on their own.
*
It was like the Sixties, but it wasn't the Sixties - it was 1969.
*
Stuart Sutcliffe left the Beatles when he died.
*
I never ever knew where Rome was.  That's how good I was at History.
*
Do you like their records, or is it just the music you go for?
*
It's all Beatles music from noon until midday.
*
It's taken two years for that to be a hit.  It's straight in at 35.
*
I spoke to Boy George between four and four-thirty sometime today.
*
And you can't get nearer the top ten than number twelve
*
I'm sure this will evoke memories, even for those of us who don't remember
it.
*
Ron White was not one of the very first original members of the Motown
staff, but eventually he was.
*
Red Red Wine by UB40 - Number 1 in the charts and doing even better
in Europe.
*
I'm not even going to ignore that.
*
The best track on that album isn't on it.
*
This is their first single, and their most successful so far.
*
And there's Kenney, who at times looks almost like his double.
*
If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know who he was.
*
And Dusty Hare kicked 19 of the 17 points.
*
An easy kick for George Fairburn, but as everybody knows,
no kicks are easy.
*
Ninety-nine times out of a thousand he would have potted that ball.
*
The match has gradually and suddenly come to a climax.
*
He's lucky in one sense and unlucky in the other.
*
Higgins first entered the championship ten years ago; that was for the
first time, of course.
*
Suddenly Alex Higgins was 7-0 down.
*
When you start off it's nil-nil.
*
From this position you've got to facy either your opponent or yourself
winning.
*
A little pale in the face, but then his name is White.
*
This said, the inevitable failed to happen.
*
No-one came closer to winning the World Title last year than runner-up
Dennis Taylor.
*
He'll have no trouble in solving the solution.
*
I've always said the difference between winning and losing is nothing
at all.
*
Sometimes the deciding frame's always the toughest to win.
*
There is, I believe, a time limit for playing a shot.  But I think that
it's true to say that nobody knows what that limit is.
*
Ray Reardon, one of the great Crucible champions - won it five times, when
the championship was played away from the Crucible.
*
These ball boys are marvellous.  You don't even notice them.
There's a left handed one over there.  I noticed him earlier.
*
When Martina is tense it helps her relax.
*
It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that
the pressure for her to do well is off.
*
We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining.
*
Britain's last gold medal was a bronzze in 1952 in Helsinki.
*
The Rupublic of China back in the Olympic games for the first time.
*
That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world
record.
*
I'm absolutely thrilled and over the world about it.
*
A truly international field, no Britons involved.
*
She hasn't run faster than herself before.
*
Born in America, John returned to his native Japan.
*
The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games - in fact they haven't
competed since 1972.

*
We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds
behind.
*
And there's no 'I love you' message, because Steve Ovett has managed the
girl.
*
And there you see Seb Coe preparing for our first sight of him.
*
He looks up at him through blood-smeared lips.
*
It's not one of Bruno's fastest wins...but it's one of them.
*
I've only seen Errol Chhristie fight once before and that was the best
I've ever seen him fight.
*
This boxer doing what's expected of him - bleeding from the nose.
*
He's got a cut on his left eye...it's just below his eyebrow.
*
In the rear, the small diminutive figure of Shoaif Mohammed who can't be
much taller or shorter than he is.
*
His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going.
*
Alderman knows that he is either going to get a wicket - or he isn't.
*
Even downton couldn't get down high enough for that.
*
And he's got the guts to score runs when the crunch is down.
*
The Sri Lanken team have lost their heads - literally.
*
That slow motion replay doesn't show how fast the ball was travelling.
*
I don't think he expected it, and that's what caught him unawares.
*
The Queen's Park Oval - exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round.
*
Well, everyone is enjoying this except Vic Marks, and I think he's enjoying
himself.
*
He's ranked number three in Britain, number four in the world.  You can't
get any higher!
*
Fifty-two thousand people here at Maine Road, but my goodness me, it seems
like fifty thousand.
*
And now the formalities are over, we'll have the National Anthems.
*
Wembley is beginning to blacken with people in terms of red and blue.
*
Plenty of goals in Divisions Three and Four today.
Darlington nil, Hereford nil.
*
There were two second division matches last night, both in the second
division.
*
They have more ability in the middle of the field in terms of ability.
*
The margin is very marginal.
*
And Watford acknowledge the support of the crowd indeed of the crowd that
supported them.
*
At least it was a victory and at least we won.
*
Despite the rain, it's still raining here at Old Trafford.
*
Yes, Woodcock would have scored but his shot was just too perfect.
*
We have been saying this both pre-season and before the season started.
*
We go into the second half with United 1-0 up, so the game is perfectly
balanced.
*
Manchester United have got the bull between the horns now.
*
I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play there again.
*
Yes, he is not unused to playing mid-field, but at the same time he's not
used to playing there, either.
*
Well Terry, can you tell us where you are in the league, how far are you
ahead of the second team?
*
Ian Rush.  Deadly ten times out of ten.  But that wasn't one of them.
*
He hit the post and after the game people will say he hit the post.
*
I think you and the referee were in a minority of one
*
Believe it or not, goals can change a game.
*
You'll be hoping this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started.
*
It will be a shame if either side lose.  That applies to both sides.
*
Well Kerry, you're 19 and you're a lot older than a lot of people younger
than yourself.
*
Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball...buthe took too long over it.
*
Everything in our favour was aginst us.
*
The scoreline didn't really reflect the outcome.
*
I can't promise anything but I can promise 100%.
*
McCarthy shakeshis head in agreement with the referee.
*
It really needed the blink of an eyelid, othherwise you would have missed
it.
*
We've got nothing to lose, and there's no point losing this game.
*
And now to hole eight which is in fact, the eighth hole.
*
He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain.
*
Steve Cauthen, well on his way to that mythical 200 mark.
*
A racing horse is not like a machine.  It has to be tuned up just like you
tune up a racing motor car.
*
These two horses have met five times this season, and I think they've
beaten each other on each occasion.
*
Speaking from memory I don't know how many points Nelson Piquet has got.
*
Thackwell really can metaphorically coast home now.
*
Alain Prost is in a commanding second position.
*
A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.
*
With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action,
which it is.
*
And now Jacques Laffitte is as close to Surer as Surer is to Laffitte
*
Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front
if him.
*
There are no winners and no losers.  Everybody loses.
*
We don't want to see these coal fields trampled into the ground.
*
The timber in the roof was completely comprised of wood.
*
You could count them on less than one hand.
*
Did you find yourself reminiscing a great deal in your autobiography?
*
Sixteen minutes past nine is the time - a little earlier than usual.
*
I needed a break from the program in order to regurgitate myself.
*
We haven't demanded anything.  What we have demanded is that the coal board
withdraw their demands.
*
Not many people realise just how well known he is.
*
A concrete pipe reduced to mere matchwood.
*
She has won three thousand pounds already, in as many years.
*
Today is the 40th anniversary of the RAF bombing Dresden.  That was during
the war.
*
You're a fourth generation chef.  What did your father do?
*
And a shame that anybody who didn't turn up wasn't there.
*
Treat them like children, and that means giving them plenty of nitrogen
fertiliser.
*
If daggers are not actually drawn, they are certainly out of their sheaths.
*
While he was in intensive care she was carrying a baby that wasn't hers.
*
Of the designs of mine that succeed, 50% of them don't.
*
The problem with heart disease is that the first symptoom is sudden death,
and that's a very hard symptom to deal with.
*
They are inviting their colleagues to march down a cul-de-sac which has no
end.
*
You have reached a turning point on a voyage of no return.
*
It's now just coming up to eight minutes to two, that's the time of course.
*
Far be it from me say that New ZZealand is a racist country,
but New Zealand is a racist country.
*
The pendulum has gone full circle.
*
It's nine minutes past three, timewise of course.
*
We flew straight up; 4000 feet in as many minutes!
*
But surely, by demystifying Macbeth, you're taking the mystery out of it.
*
And the time left in clock terms is about five minutes.
*
And that's what happens when two immovable objects meet.
*
We don't stand behind our wives like some miners; our wives are in front
of us.
*
I think it's a good thing because people haven't got time on weekdays to do
any Sunday Shopping.
*
And that's a self-portrait of himself, by himself.
*
The media gave us the rough end of the wedge.
*
I have been assaulted more times than I can count;
about four or five times.
*
You can't in five minutes, transfer sovereignty overnight.
*
I was stunned with outrage.
*
In that tense situation people get tense.
*
This Bill enables the Secretary of State to plunge into the waters of local
government, with his head firmly buried in the sand.
*
I would expect things to go on as they are, until there is some change.
*
The people doing these murders are masquerading openly in the streets.
*
There are more crimes in Britain now, due to the hug rise in the crime
rate.
*
We're a year nearer the general election that we were last year.
*
If people had proper locks on their doors, crime could be prevented before
it happens.
*
If Shaking Stevens were to retire, this man could well become his
predecessor.
*
Thank you for all the entries in the Abba competition.  There were 30,000
entries, so you stand a one in a million chance of winning one of the ten
prizes.
*
That's one of those songs that's going to go on and on and be popular even
when people forget about it.
*
And there he was, reigning suprememe at number two.
*
And that was CCS Society - so much easier to pronounce than say.
*
Anybody buying the record can be assured that the pound they pay will
literally go into someone's mouth.
*
This was a big hit; it was in the top ten and got to number 15.
*
This was a reminder of an unforgettable voice.
*
Mike Oldfield named an album after a geographical area in Britain.
Can you name either the area or the album?
*
I had written a few songs and asked Robert Palmer to write the words and
tunes.
*
Managing the Beatles was another bow to Brian Epstein's string.
*
Don't believe those who say we don't give a darn.
*
Bargain, well-maintained Victorian house, with dry rot throughout.
*
Here today, gaunt tomorrow.
*
Work for the Lord - the fringe benefits are out of this world.
*
For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
*
Trust us to truss you.
*
In case of fire, don't panic.  First pay the bill, then run like hell.
*
Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
*
One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth
shut.
*
If you really need glasses, please don't take ours.  Go to an optician.
*
Keep on trying.  It's better to be a has-been than a never-will-be.
*
Gone With The Wind.
*
Lost, ginger cat called Chips.  Answers to Fish.
*
Closed for two weeks.  We Knead the break.
*
Genesis is Good for You.
*
We Skid You Not.
*
Wanted, capable man to handle dynamite.  Must able to travel long
distances.
*
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more...
- the money or the friend
*
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
*
Inflation is what happens when you are broke with a lot of money in your
pocket.
*
Dangerous drugs must be locked up with the ward sister.
*
Our treatment covers a multitude of chins.
*
A driver is safer when the road is dry;
The road is safer when the driver is dry.
*
To let, flat with three rooms, kitchen, bathroom, plus outside toilet at
present occupied by owner.
*
You do not have to get hot in this room.  Please control yourself.
*
Batter late than never.
*
We can supply the Know-How But Not The Common Scents.
*
Leave your body in our hands.
*
Buy now - while shop lasts.
*
"The End of the World."  Lunch afterwards.
*
Stay Friends with Us...Until Debt Us Do Part!
*
Lost, mongrel dog with bad limp due to road accident; ear badly scarred in
fight; wall-eyed; slightly deaf; answers to the name of 'Lucky'.
*
The tax inspector has got what it takes to take what you've got.
*
Our bikinis are like your garden gate...They protect the property without
obscuring the view.
*
Crash Courses: Available For Those Who Wish To Drive QUICKLY.
*
Life is Fragile - Handle it with Prayer
*
It's always the OVERtakers who keep the UNDERtakers busy.
*
You've seen the show...now read the book.
*
Woman is one of natures's agreeable blunders.
*
One of the great advantages of success is that you don't have to listen to
good advice anymore.
*
Love is going home and putting your feet up in front of a roaring wife.
*
Dark room for lovers.  Quick developments.
*
Try our easy terms.  100 per cent down and nothing to pay.
*
This rest room is for the use of ladies only.
In case of emergency, use fire escape.
*
Dont get overcharged in other shops - come in here.
*
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
*
If you are sitting on top of the world, remember, it turns over every
twenty-four hours.
*
A baby-sitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the
adults go out and act like teenagers!
*
As maintenance costs are rising every month, parishioners are asked to
kindly cut the grass around their own graves.
*
Eat here - Allah carte
*
My mother made me a homosexual.
(scrawled underneath) If I get her the wool, would she make me one, too?
*
When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both
come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
*
Drivers, take care - do not kill a child.
(written below) Wait for a teacher.
*
We give Breast Results.
*
Money talks - sometimes it screams!
*
Postman, kindly latch our front gate behind you (Signed) The Dog.
(Chalked below) 'Stop chewing my pants first! (Signed) The Postman.
*
Anyone who comes to a psychiatrist needs his head examined!
*
What a simple tune.  It's a wonder nobody thought of it first.
*
Paul Allot drying the wet ball which is a disadvantage in Lancashire's
favour.
*
I don't want to sit on the fence but it could go either way.
*
He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere!
*
There isn't a record in existence that hasn't been broken.
*
I like playing in Sheffield...
it's full of Melancholy happy-go-lucky people.
*
Alex, unlike many other professional players, adds a bit on his cue rather
than put on an extension.
*
And Griffiths has looked at that blue four times now, and it still hasn't
moved.
*
After 12 frames, they stand all square.  The next frame, believe it or not,
is the 13th.
*
But there was still the big prize money - hanging there like a carrot
waiting to be picked.
*
He has to stay level, or one frame behind, that's the only way he can beat
him.
*
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.
*
Steve, with his sip of water, part of his make-up.
*
Well, the shot would have been safe if the red hadn't ended up over the
pocket.
*
He's completely disappeared.  He's gone back to the dressing room.  Nobody
knows where he has gone.
*
If our swimmers want to win any more medals they'd better put their
skates on.
*
Chris Lloyd came out of the dressing room like a pistol.
*
Strangely enough, Kathy Jordan is going to the net first,
which she always does.
*
Lloyd did what he acheived with that shot.
*
Diane - keeping her head beautifully on her shoulders.
*
That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit.
*
He has got to sit down and work out where he stands.
*
Martina, she's got several layers of steel out there like a cat with
nine lives.
*
Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where
he is on the court.
*
Zola Budd: so small, so waif-like, you literally can't see her.
But there she is.
*
If's the first indoor outing this year.
*
There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.
*
This could be a repeat of what will happen at the European games next week.
*
One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
*
You were treading where no man fears to go.
*
Ernest Vettori, the man of the moment, last year.
*
All three girls, medalists in the Commonwealth Games, continue their duel.
*
You have to talk in metres because nobody under 16 understands feet
nowadays.  The course is 1.6 miles long.
*
Panetta was silver medalist in the European championships, when he led all
the way.
*
She's not Ben Johnson, but then who is?
*
The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.
*
This race is all about racing.
*
Watch the time - it gives you a good indication of how fast they're
running.
*
The news from the Javelin is that it was won by that winning throw we saw
earlier.
*
Of course it doesn't mean anything, but what it does mean is that Bile is
very relaxed.
*
That would have won him the gold medal in the Championship four years ago
which he won anyway.
*
He's got to stick the boot in, to use a technical term.
*
Henry Marsh, the tail-ender, is right at the back.
*
If this boy keeps his head and keeps running, the sky's at his feet.
*
One thing I must say about this packed meeting, it is absolutly packed.
*
Dave Bedford, the athlete of all time in the 1970s.
*
At the moment Petranoff is ahead by virtue of hhis position at the moment.
*
There are no opportune times for a penalty, and this isn't one of those
times.
*
My mum says I used to fight my way out of the cot.  But I can't remember.
That was before my time.
*
Bruno's strength, in fact, is his strength.
Round 1.  Start of the fight, in fact.
*
That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing.
*
At the finish, it was all over.
*
His face was a mask of blood, I think he must have a cut somewhere.
*
I've never seen a Mexican pushover boxer and this man ccertainly isn't one
of them.
*
England were beaten in the sense that they lost.
*
The wicket didn't do too much, but when it did, it did too much.
*
Gary never had a nickname - he was always called either Gary or The King.
*
Vengsarkar taking a simple catch at square leg, the ball literally dropping
down his throat.
*
The field is not very far behind and these two are not very far in front.
*
There's only one way to go from this, sixty double ten or twenty twenty
double top.
*
Never go for a 50/50 ball unless you're 80/20 sure.
*
AnΣ there'≤ Ra∙ Clemencσ lookinτ a≤ coo∞ as ever out in the cold.
*
And the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is a staggering 96
degrees, is that Falcao is warming up.
*
If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the
same thing again.
*
I am not a believer in luck...but I do believe you need it.
*
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.
*
Celtic Manager Davie Hay still hhas a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
*
I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years.
*
It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.
*
He's very fast and if he get's a yeard ahead of himself nobody will
catch him.
*
Peter Reid is hobbling, and I've got a feeling that that will slow him
down.
*
The shot from Laws was precise but wide.
*
Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.
*
If we get promotion, let's sit down and see where we stand.
*
Their football was exceptionally good...and they played some good football.
*
This may be a take-away joint, but that doesn't mean customers can take away
our menu cards.
*
It is better to be stupid like everyone than to be clever like no one.
*
Remember, the honeymoon is over when HE says he'll be late for dinner,
and SHE's already left a note saying it's in the fridge.
*
The bigger a man's head grows, the easier it is to fill his shoes.
*
Think before you speak - and you will find yourself with less to talk
about.
*
Three - coarse lunches £1.15
*
Keep Smiling!  It makes people wonder what you are up to.
*
Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
*
Caution!  Unexpected Stops.  Wife Learning to Drive.
*
For Sale, Smoker's chair.  Solid Ash.
*
Our service is normal on Sunday - except for certain cancellations,
alterations and additions.
*
Tact is the rare talent for not admitting you were right in the first
place.
*
Illiterate?  Write Today for Free Help.
*
Schizophrenia divides and rules, OK?
*
Drop your trousers for best results.
*
A man needs a wife because, sooner or later, something is bound to happen
that he can't blame on the Government.
*
In a hurry?  Why not have a coffee and roll downstairs?
*
It is impossible to please the whole world and your mother-in-law aswell.
*
Credit given only to people over 75 accompanied by their parents.
*
Why risk a hangover?  Stay Drunk!!
*
You can't beat our milk, but you can whip our cream.
*
Women are creatures who wrap men either around their little fingers or
around their front bumpers.
*
Love is being willing to share your toothbrush with someone else.
*
Never forget - a mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do
something.
*
The nicest thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
*
If you think the going is easy, take another look.  You may well be going
downhill.
*
Drinkers who leave while the room is in motion will be doing so at their
own risk.
*
An international crisis is like sex - as long as you keep talking about it,
nothing happens.
*
When you are down and out, something always turns up - and it's usually the
noses of your friends.
*
Note on windscreen of car illegally parked :
   Been round the square 10 times, can't find parking place.
   Forgive us our trespasses. - Reverend J. Mitchell
*
Two hours later the Reverend returned to find this note alongside a parking
ticket :
   Been round the square 10 years.  If I don't book you, I lose my job.
   Lead us not into temptation. - Traffic warden
*
Brains are never a handicap to a woman if she's smart enough to hide them
under a see-through blouse.
*
The art of communicating with a woman is to hear what she doesn't say.
*
We'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
*
This Tree Hits Cars Only in Self-Defence.
*
Don't start telling me what I mean - Let me figure it out myself.
*
The man who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to a clever woman.
*
Peanuts:     The Drinking Man's Filter.
*
I agree with everything you are saying but I must admit you are wrong.
*
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, but always with
the same person.
*
Driving with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the girl satisfies
neither the Highway Patrol nor the girl.
*
Don't be indispensable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
*
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more
than he knows.
*
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
*
For sale - handsome Basset Hound.  Can be seen at above address in the
evening or heard within a two mile radius at dawn.
*
Blood donors wanted.  Help keep us in the RED.
*
Look after the pence, and the tax-man will take care of the pounds.
*
Our home-made claret competition was a big success.
Winners : Mrs Arnold (fruity, well rounded),
          Mrs Stephens (fine colour and full-bodied),
          and Miss Smith (slightly acid).
*
Husbands ordering specially mixed colours must have signed note from their
wives.
*
Call Us Any Time, Night or Day.  We Always DELIVER.
*
Please note - this invoice is now overdue the original was witten on
papyrus!
*
A dangerous fanatic is someone who would be a Dedicated Idealist if he
happened to be on your side.
*
If you keep blowing your own horn, people are going to be quick to get out
of your way.
*
Congregation members wanted.  No experience necessary.
*
Don't kiss our girls.  They're all tellers.
*
Kissing don't last.  Cookery do!
*
Will ladies kindly empty teapots and kettles and then stand upside down in
the sink.
*
Always borrow from a pessimist - He doesn't expect his money back.
*
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
*
Dinner on tomorrow's trip to Madrid will be provided free since the cost
has already been added to the original price of the ticket.
*
Lecture on Clairvoyance cancelled - owing to unforeseen circumstances
*
If you with litter will disgrace,
And Spoil the Beauty of This Place,
May Indigestion Rack Your Chest,
And Ants Invade Your Pants and Vest.
*
The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with a photograph
of herself.
*
Will the man who picked up mink coat at the Dunes Hotel Sunday night please
return the smart blonde who was in it.  No quoestions asked.
- Lonely Husband.
*
If you really want to let the rest of the world go by, make sure you drive
within the speed limit.
*
An argument is where two people are trying to get the LAST word in FIRST!
*
If it weren't for the last minute, an awful lot of things would never get
done.
*
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
*
We Are Open Seven Days A Week, Including Sundays.
*
Everyone should live within his means these days - even if he has to borrow
to do it.
*
Divorces $85.  Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Partner Back!
*
Stretch the Truth and your Story will wear Thin!
*
True love is when you spend £50 for an operation on a £5 dog.
*
There will be no last bus from here tonight.
*
The try-angle will take you round the hardest of corners.
*
Tact is the rare talent of not quite telling the truth.
*
There's nothing like the new TV shows to take your mind of entertainment.
*
If you can't see what you want, you're at the right shop.
*
Trespassers Admitted.  Our bull will charge later.
*
No pushing, except in an emergency.
*
Be Yourself!  There isn't anyone better qualified.
*
Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle
for the waiter.
*
Used bicycle for Girl with Leather Seat.
*
Messages from Wives and Loved Ones Taken in Rough Translation.
Verbatim cannot be guaranteed.
*
Now you've passed your test, don't try and pass everything.
*
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a
success.
*
Remind me never to put off until tomorrow the things I've already put off
until today.
*
Spectators are requested NOT to fall into excavation so as not to injure
workmen.
*
Never wait for something to turn up - Get busy and turn it up yourself.
*
It is not the company's policy to let employees go home
Friday nights as tired as they come in on Monday mornings.
*
If you want to pull the wool over your wife's eyes, be sure to use a good
yarn.
*
At the last count, gossip was running down more people than automobiles.
*
The old churchyard has been sadly neglacted bacause there have been no
burials for 20 years.  Please encourage everyone to remedy the situation.
*
Old age is like everything else.  To make a success of it, you've got to
start young.
*
Matrimony was the first union to defy management.
*
Confidence is the feeling you have before you know better.
*
Remember the tortoise - you only make headway if you stick your neck out.
*
Anatomy section closed due to strike.  Skeleton service available.
*
During working hours staff are not allowed to eat anything outside the
canteen except the gate-house attendant.
*
Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.
*
We have new items every Monday.
*
If one half of the world knew how the other half lived, they wouldn't pay
their bills either.
*
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
*
...licensing hours are extended through the afternoon 'on each Sunday of
the year (except Sunday, Christmas Day and Good Friday)'
*
Make your MP work.  Don't re-elect him.
*
Everything for your pets.  Send s.a.e. for free ill. cat.
*
Make somebody happy - wring Buzby's neck.
*
So you think I'm a bad driver.  You should see me putt.
*
British Rail stabbed us in the back by blowing the talks out of the water
before they even got off the ground.
*
The answer's an affirmative 'Yes'.
*
That's what batting's all about - knowing where the stumps are.
*
You seem to be batting into sticky water.
*
I hope no-one's house is burning down.  It's much too nice a day to be left
without a house.
*
You have a real feel for the history of the past, don't you?
*
If you can imagine a clock face, the wind is coming from about half-past
two.
*
And with 35 minutes gone, it's Barcelona 2, Sofia 1.  Just the kind of
result we were expecting at this stage, except that the Bulgarians have
scored.
*
We can't sit here and stand for it.
*
You're a sort of Rupert Murdoch of Australia, aren't you?
*
He seems to have found a chink in Chang's armour.
*
He certainly looks older than he did last year.
*
He's wise enough in the ways of the world to realise he's got to play as
many balls as he can.
*
Cahill's courage...courage one can expect from a man whose father captains
an Adelaide bowls team.
*
That was an absolutely booming second service, it took off like a
parachute.
*
Steffi (Graf) has a tremendous presence when you're standing right next to
her.
*
Michael Chang is very young but mature in years.
*
The fact that he has won has probably done him more good than harm.
*
But now he has to consummate the lead...and that's not always easy.
*
Many supporters say they wouldn't stand for all-seater stadiums.
*
You know, the Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, or as they are
now.
*
Let me then switch tacks and change horses in midstream.
*
Omens are there to be broken.
*
Bangkok is probably the most unique city in the world.
*
Incidentally, by the way.
*
I'd like to play Scrooge in Oliver Twist
*
There's no smoke without mud being flung around.
*
Stuart Pearce, who leads from the front, even though he plays from the
back.
*
Businessmen should stand or fall on their own two feet.
*
Well I think Arsenal will either win or lose the championship this year.
*
He's doing well...he's letting his legs do the running.
*
Interviewer : "Why did you decide to put your head above the parapet on this
               issue?"
Tory MP     : "To gauge the temperature of the water."
*
After banging your head against a brick wall for long enough you'd think
that some of it would rub off.
*
I used to sit in your seat, so I know exactly where you stand.
*
The world is so big and so global now.
*
There's one thing that the troubles in Belfast won't kill - and that's the
people.
*
What's your name, Kate?
*
...you'll be able to read it in black and white tomorrow, and if you get
the Financial Times, you'll see it in pink and white.
*
I don't know how old that horse is, but it certainly doesn't look it.
*
A man in love is incomplete until he has married - then he's finished.
*
Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair
kit.
*
Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying
the corpse.
*
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy
*
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge then to let him
keep her.
*
Marriage is like life in this: it is a field of bettle and not a bed of
roses.
*
A wedding is a happy funeral.
*
Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the
double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue.
*
And I suppose, per head of population, a really tremendous ovation from
this crowd...
*
He's doing the best he can do - He's making the worst of a bad job.
*
Of his (Botham's) innings yesterday, soon said least mended, I think.
*
That should arrest the non-movement of the score board.
*
Everything was falling around beside him.
*
That strike rate, just under forty deliveries a ball.
*
America is the country where you buy a lifetime's supply of asprin for one
dollar and use it in two weeks.
*
Americans like fat books and thin women.
*
The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide open spaces
surrounded by teeth.
*
It is absurd to say there are neither ruins or curiosities in America when
they have their mothers and their manners.
*
In America you watch TV and think it's totally unreal -
then you step outside and it's just the same.
*
California is a great place - if you happen to be an orange.
*
What a pity when Christopher Columbus discovered America that he even
mentioned it.
*
I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to
us turn out to be moonies.
*
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
*
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his
retreat.
*
Young men want to be faithful, and are not;  Old men want to be faithless,
and cannot.
*
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
*
Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman -
or the lack of it in a man.
*
The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
*
Only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons,
and only people who are dull ever succeed there.
*
Moderation is a fatal thing - nothing succeeds like excess.
*
Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.
*
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
*
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time
to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
*
Signs of failure 1 to 5:
  (1) Your boss is younger than you.
  (2) You think the prizes on TV game shows are worth having.
  (3) You've never owned a car which doesn't need an MoT certificate.
  (4) You don't give to Oxfam shops, you buy from them.
  (5) You're over 30 and still travel by bus.
*
Signs of failure 6 to 10:
  (6) Your second home is a caravan.
  (7) You've never received junk mail from American Express.
  (8) Nobody is remotely jealous of you.
  (9) You don't know enough people to throw a party.
 (10) You've never moved house.
*
... he's a fully-fledged internationalist in the making.
*
... they're players who are half a yard quicker in their minds,
so their don't need to be there.
*
At the end of the day, it's nil-nil at half time.
*
... Coe, winding down the curtain on an era of days gone by...
*
If the second half is anything like the first, England will certainly be
defending the goal to our right.
*
A touch of Vivaldi here - Albinoni's Concerto in D Major.
*
Norman's greatest quality has always been his quality.
*
There's never a good time to score an own goal against yourself.
*
JOHN MOTSON : "Well, Trevor, what does this substitution mean tactically?"
TREVOR BROOKING : "Well, Barnes has come off and Rocastle has come on..."
*
Our members will be grasping the bull by the horns only to find it's
a damp squid.
*
I aim to prove I'm the boxer some people say I am, and some people say
I'm not.
*
The game finely balanced with Celtic well on top...
*
The score is Liverpool 0, Norwich 0, and it's only the absence of a goal
that we're waiting for.
*
He's the one rotten apple who turns out to be the good egg.
*
I'll decide when I write my obituary.
*
There's Kallicharan chasing after it, his legs going even faster than
he is!
*
When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.
*
But to paraphrase a famous saying, who cares?
*
... 18 months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best teams in
Europe, and that would include Germany and Holland and Russia and...
anybody else if you like.
*
... with Robert Millar and Gianetti quite literally exploding into the
streets of Cardiff.
*
... and I wouldn't like to be sitting in Alain Prost's shoes right now.
*
If he gets a yard ahead of himself, they won't catch him.
*
A silence that's been graced by silence at Old Trafford this afternoon...
*
Fair enough, he was in an offside position, but I don't think he was
offside.
*
That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he did
not overtake Alain Prost.
*
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
*
I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes
them away.
*
It is no wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children.
*
Insanity is hereditary - you can get it from your children
*
The thing that impresses me most about Americans is the way parents obey
their children.
*
Children are the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both
easy to beat and fun to cheat.
*
I love children - parboiled.
*
Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
*
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
*
It is customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids -
considering how awful Christmas is, and how little our society likes
children, this must be true.
*
Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking
a lamppost what he feels about dogs.
*
Pay no attention to what the critics say - no statue has ever been put
up to a critic.
*
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
*
Rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't
talk, for people who can't read.
*
Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a
pretty neck.
*
My mother - who was an alertly respectable woman - told me at an early age
that I was not to play with critics.
*
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen
it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
*
Critics always want to put you into pigeonholes, which can be very
uncomfortable unless you happen to be a pigeon.
*
You've got to miss them to score sometimes.
*
We didn't think we'd come here tonight and get any sort of result.
*
And I honestly believe that we can go all the way to Wembley...
unless somebody knocks us out.
*
It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.
*
And Arsenal have plenty of time to dictate these last few seconds.
*
Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on!
*
Winning isn't the end of the world.
*
Jim McLean, one of the few managers who can physically lift a side.
*
That's football, Mike, Northern Island have had several chances and
haven't scored but England had no chances and scored twice.
*
In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale.
*
Outside of quality we had other qualities.
*
In comparison, there's no comparison.
*
Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put
together.
*
Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.
*
Football's not like an electric light.  You can't just flick the button
and change from slow to quick.
*
Certain people are for me, certain people are pro me.
*
I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way.
*
I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quit pleased that I did.
*
It's understandable and I understand that.
*
We know what we need to do now so I think we'll either win or lose.
*
Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
longer.
*
Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we knew.  Neither has Robson.
*
He has a great understanding of where the goalkeeper is in relation to
the goal.
*
He'll be giving everything, but he hasn't got everything to give.
*
Fine tackling by Butcher using his telescopic legs.
*
The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike,
there's no advantage.
*
In motor-racing the ever present danger is always there.
*
Senna with the big advantage of being in front.
*
Warwick has overtaken Alan Jones and, in the process, moved up a place.
*
Just under ten seconds for Nigel Mansell - call it nine point five
seconds in round figures.
*
I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has.  I imagine it must be
some kind of grip problem.
*
Alboretto has dropped back up to fifth place.
*
As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboretto
is fifth.
*
And next week we have the Brazilian Grand Prix, which is in Brazil.
*
I imagine that the conditions in those cars today are totally
unimaginable.
*
Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does.
*
Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding a bit rough.
*
It looks like adrenalin is a good disinfectant.
*
With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.
*
We're looking at the man who won in '83, '85 and '86, so this could be his
hat-trick.
*
He's obviously gone for a wheel change.  I say 'obviously' because I can't
see it.
*
So if you haven't set off for the centre yet, the best thing to do is to
turn back and go home.
*
It's just gone 17 minutes past 4.  That's the time, by the way.
*
You must put your foot down with a firm hand.
*
At the end of the day Stalker goes backto work tomorrow.
*
His brother failed; let's see if he can succeed and maintain the family
tradition.
*
You say you've always had this dream.  Tell me, have you always had this
dream?
*
Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes.
*
There's a lot of good older players around, but very few.
*
It's been a wet month just about everywhere, but suprisingly not
everywhere.
*
Renault are currently enjoying huge losses.
*
We are now living in the age in which we live.
*
Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
*
Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries.
*
It says here, and it is underlined in capital letters.
*
It's a one-to-one dialogue.  You open your mouth and you're talking to six
million people.
*
It's a can of wormms full of Pandora's boxes.
*
It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy.
*
I was driving through Kent and literally went through the bright blue
sunshine.
*
My shoes are size two-and-a-half - the same size as my feet.
*
If we can just get young people to do as their fathers did,
that is wear condoms.
*
For many people, homeless simply means not having a home.
*
Voluteers are being given fake placebos.
*
I've always been a bit maturer that what I am.
*
I'll tell you one fact - it may be rather boring but it's interesting.
*
It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery
conditions really get a grip.
*
The champion has retired after eight undefeated victories.
*
She drowned at the end of her life.
*
I wonder if we ccan speak through rose-tinted spectacles.
*
She shrugs her head.
*
The roadworks are set for an indefinate period.  We don't know how long
that will be.
*
I've got ten pairs of training shoes, one for every day of the week.
*
So Carol, you're a housewife and mother.  And have you got any children?
*
There are only half-a-dozen people with that sort of talent.
In my estimation he was a one-off.
*
US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet Soil
*
A typical example of the government saying one thing with one hand
and another with the other hand.
*
A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.
*
We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the budget.
*
The possibility of an arms agreement between the US and the USSR is now a
possibility.
*
It won't be long before the banana skins start raining down.
*
A very gloomy Brian Gould - as always a smile.
*
He's sweating toil and blood out there.
*
My second hit was a flop.
*
Sade is currently in Spain, but we've put in a transAtlantic call
and here she is.
*
Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough
time mentally too.
*
He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he
will soon be better and running around like a maniac.
*
I don't think we're going to get an award tonight...  I would hedge my
bets and say no.
*
It's one of those albums of CDs that you either have or you don't.
*
The concert finishes at 8.00pm so you'll have plenty of time to get home
for the last bus.
*
It was as if a small ten-megaton bomb had gone off.
*
The band are going to be the biggest thing in the world,
almost as big as U2.
*
People wonder why I go out with models with nothing between their heads.

Star Trek Lives!
*
Schshschshchsch.
     -- The Gorn, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
Live long and prosper.
     -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Totally illogical, there was no chance.
     -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
     -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of
superior development.
     -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
     -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3
*
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the
simplicity of play.
     -- Kirk, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.8.
*
When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum
of what it was taught, thinks independently.
    -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
No problem is insoluble.
    -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," stardate 3479.4.
*
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.
You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant."
    -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3
*
Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
     -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
    -- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to
face .... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of
ourselves as gods.
     -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3
*
It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm.
That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A
mistaken idea.
     -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0
*
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
     -- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
History tends to exaggerate.
     -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the
same mistakes.
     -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
... freedom ... is a worship word...
It is our worship word too.
     -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
... the prejudices people feel about each other disappear when
they get to know each other.
     -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5.
*
There's a way out of any cage.
     -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
        stardate unknown.
*
Most legends have their basis in facts.
     -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
Many Myths are based on truth.
     -- Spock, "The Way to Eden,"  stardate 5832.3.
*
Is truth not truth for all?
     -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
                 the Sky," stardate 5476.4.
*
There is an order of things in this universe.
     -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?," stardate 3468.1.
*
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
     -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate 3134.0.
*
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
     -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
Change is the essential process of all existence.
     -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
A little suffering is good for the soul.
     -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
     -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
*
Killing is stupid; useless!
     -- McCoy, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
We have the right to survive!
Not by killing others.
     -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
     -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
     -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever,"
                       stardate unknown
*
Killing is wrong.
     -- Losira, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
     -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men
become insensitive.
     -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
     -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5431.6.
*
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
     -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.1.
*
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
     -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
     -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd
still tend to protect that child.
     -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
What happened to the crewman?
The M-5 computer needed a new power source; the crewman merely
got in the way.
And how long will it be before we all "just get in the way?"
     -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer,
        stardate 4731.3.
*
A father doesn't destroy his children.
     -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as 'wanting.'  It is not logical, but it is often true.
     -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
     -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder,"
        stardate 5928.5.
*
Without followers, evil cannot spread.
     -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth.
Or by misleading the innocent.
     -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
     -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
     -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
    -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Beauty is transitory.
Beauty survives.
     -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
     -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it
always will be different.
     -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
There are always alternatives.
     -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
     -- Spock, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Every living thing wants to survive.
     -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
It is necessary to have purpose.
     -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Virtue is a relative term.
     -- Spock, "Friday's Child," stardate 3499.1.
*
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together
become greater than the sum of both of us.
     -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
     -- Kirk, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
*
Vulcans worship peace above all.
     -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity.
And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty.
     -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?,"
        stardate 5630.8.
*
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
     -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
     -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
     -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile.
Yes, the philosophy of 'nome,' meaning 'all.'
     -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
     -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2.
*
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which
is logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy
merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
     -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Vulcans never bluff.
     -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.1.
*
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me,
it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
instead of saving it.
     -- Spock, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.2.
*
I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
constructive purpose.
     -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
     -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the
strong should live.
     -- Kras, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were
right, they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its
pleasures.  I feel it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
     -- Apella, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way
for us.
     -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
     -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
     -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.9.
*
The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy.  Emotionally healthy.
That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you.
     -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
     -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
One does not thank logic.
     -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  You're
welcome, I believe, is the correct response.
     -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
     -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1.
*
We have phasers; I vote we blast 'em!
     -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.2.
*
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
     -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within," stardate unknown.
*
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is
always a woman.
     -- Kirk, "Conscience of the King," stardate unknown.
*
Respect is a rational process.
     -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
     -- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident," stardate 5027.3
*
Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.
You admit that?
To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor.
     -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
     -- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Life and death are seldom logical.
But attaining a desired goal always is.
     -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2821.7.
*
It would be illogical to kill without reason.
     -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
with jealousy, greed, hate....
It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment
-- the other side of the coin.
     -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?,"
        stardate 2712.4
*
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must
rely on your human intuition.
     -- Spock, "Assignment:  Earth," stardate unknown.
*
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you
are telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything
you say is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot,
for you lie.
     -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
     -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --
And make them spend it on life.
     -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever,"
        stardate unknown.
*
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle,
it is only because we have no choice.
     -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.
     -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
     -- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Our way is peace.
     -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses,"
        stardate 4040.7.
*
Men of peace usually are [brave].
     -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
He's dead, Jim.
     -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
You're dead, Jim.
     -- McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
You're dead, Jim.
     -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web," stardate unknown.
*
No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.
He talks of peace if it is the only way to live.
     -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain,"
        stardate 5906.5.
*
There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
     -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
     -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
It's [war is] instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought. We're
human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!
But we can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers...but we're not
going to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not
going to kill today!
     -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
     -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
     -- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.
But you imprison those who employ it privately.
     -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.1.
*
Another war...must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
in this way?...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death...
     -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There
is nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
     -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
...bacteriological warfare...hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
     -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is
not stopped.
     -- Spock, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
War is never imperative.
     -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2
*
Another Armenia, Belgium...the weak innocents who always seem to
be located on a natural invasion route.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
No one wants war.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all
about.  That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
     -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
Peace was the way.
     -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to
heal than to kill.
     -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship...and a star to
steer her by..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you...
the sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the
wind and the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours...you
can feel her...and the stars are still there.
     -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
     -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.9.
*
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask
for advice without necessarily having to take it.
     -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.2.
*
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
     -- Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life,
even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
     -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
The man on top walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command
is often a noose.
     -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9.
*
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
     -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no
wish to serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on
loyalty to one man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
     -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
     -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2812.7.
*
The only solution is...a balance of power.  We arm our side with
exactly that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest,
most difficult, dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that
preserves both sides.
     -- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference
between courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones
who die, the soldiers.
     -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
     -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
     -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
For thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
     -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Conquest is easy.  Control is not.
     -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
*
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
     -- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Power is danger.
     -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
     -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.4.
*
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
     -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
The idea of male and female are universal constants.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure
is in the learning of each other?
     -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
        Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky," stardate 5476.3.
*
There's only one kind of woman....
Or man, for that matter.
You either believe in yourself or you don't.
     -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function --
you realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
     -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
     -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
     -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before,"
        stardate 1312.9.
*
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
     -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
     -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Landru!  Guide us!
     -- A Beta 3 person, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4
*
You!  What PLANET is this?
     -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate 3134.0.
*
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
     -- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
No more blah, blah, blah!
     -- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
*
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected...
we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you
credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
     -- deSalle, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
     -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.9.
*
Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
     -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday," stardate unknown.
*
Wait!  You have not been prepared!
     -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday," stardate 3113.2.
*
A woman should have compassion.
     -- Kirk, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a
man's life, he is grateful.
     -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War,"
        stardate 4211.8.
*
Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman
always remains a woman.
     -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9.
*
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating
more sheer horror than the male of the species.
     -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
That unit is a woman.
A mass of conflicting impulses.
     -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is
not hers.
     -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
     -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1329.8.
*
There are certain things men must do to remain men.
     -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4929.4.
*
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct
 answer to any question.
     -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy
and it's still the same song.
     -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to
protect her.
     -- McCoy, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.3.
*
Get back to your stations!
We're beaming down to the planet, sir.
     -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3
*
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're
supposed to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each
other, being good to each other.  That's what we call love.
You'll like that a lot.
     -- Kirk, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6
*
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had
the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you,
I feel like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
     -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how
you feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.
If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
     -- Kirk, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
Each kiss is as the first.
     -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome," stardate 4842.6.
*
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
     -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
The heart is not a logical organ.
     -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," stardate 3479.4.
*
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially
if they're attractive in some way.
     -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
     -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
     -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow,"
        stardate 4770.3.
*
... the things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies,
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the
glorious failures and the glorious victories.
     -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
     -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome," stardate 4842.6.
*
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
     -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5842.8.
*
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
     -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on
and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
     -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.
That the love of life is the greatest gift .. we are incapable
of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we
love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
     -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
To live is always desirable.
     -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child," stardate 3498.9.
*
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up
travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the
machines left behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and
reliving other lives left behind in the thought records.
     -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
     -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
We [Doctors and Bartenders] both get the same two kinds of
customers -- the living and the dying.
     -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just
another life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
     -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
     -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
vegetarians.
     -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
     -- McCoy, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
*
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
     -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3142.8.
*
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
     -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
     -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
There are some things worth dying for.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
What a terrible way to die [Lt. D'Amato by having every cell disrupted].
There are no good ways.
     -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
     -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
     -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
To all mankind -- may we never find space so vast, planets so cold,
heart and mind so empty that we cannot fill them with love and warmth
     -- Garth, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.2.
*
He gave his life in an attempt to save others.  Not the worst way to go.
     -- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9
*
Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words.
     -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Look at these three words written larger than all the rest, and with
special pride never written before or since -- tall words, proudly
saying "We the people" .. these words and the words that follow ...
must apply to everyone or they mean nothing.
     -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
We once were as you are.  Spears and arrows.  There came a time when
our weapons grew faster than our wisdom, and we almost destroyed
ourselves.  We learned from this to make a rule during all our travels
never to cause the same to happen to other worlds ... just as a man
must grow in his own way and his own time.
     -- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
There are certain absolutes, and one of them is the right of humanoids
to a free and unchained environment -- the right to have conditions
which permit growth.
Another is their right to choose that system which seems to work best
for them.
     -- McCoy and Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
Human beings do not survive on bread alone ... but on the nourishments
of liberty.  For what indeed is a man without freedom ... naught but
a mechanism, trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
     -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created.  It is
almost a biological rebellion.  A profound revulsion against the planned
communities, the programming, the sterilized, artfully balanced
atmospheres.  They hunger for an Eden, where spring comes.
We all do.  The cave is deep in our memories.
     -- Spock and Kirk, "The Way to Eden," stardate 5832.3.
*
All the little things you and I understand and expect from life, such
as:  equality; kindness; justice ...
    -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
A species that enslaves other beings is hardly superior -- mentally
or otherwise.
    -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
It's wrong to create a whole race of humans to live as slaves.
    -- Number One, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
To restrict a segment of the population to such hardship is unthinkable
in an evolved culture.
    -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4
*
The highest of all our laws states your world is yours and will
always remain yours.
     -- Kirk, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
I don't think we have the right or the wisdom to interfere, however
a planet is evolving.
     -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
It is one of our most important laws that none of us may interfere
with the affairs of others.
     -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
Our people don't believe in slavery.
     -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
We are wise enugh to know we are wise enough not to interfere with
the way of a man or another world.
     -- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
How will we live?
You'll learn to build houses to keep warm.  You'll work. ... Humans
have survived under worse conditions.  It's a matter of evolution.
Give it time.
     -- Kara the Eymorg and Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
The only tool diplomacy has is language.
     -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
We're free people.  We belong to no one.
     -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
To kill is a breaking of civil and moral laws we've lived by for
thousands of years.
     -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
We must acknowledge once and for all that the purpose of diplomacy
is to prolong a crisis.
     -- Spock, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Diplomacy should be a job left to diplomats.
     -- Ambassador Fox, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3192.5.
*
In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.
     -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
*
The customs and history of your race show a unique hatred of captivity.
Even when it's pleasant and benevolent, you prefer death.  This makes
you too violent and dangerous a species for our needs.
     -- The Keeper, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Diplomats and bureaucrats may function differently, but they
achieve exactly the same results.
     -- Spock, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Philosophic kings have no need of titles.
     -- Parmen the Platonian, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift.  It has to be earned.
     -- Kirk, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
The problem with the Nazis wasn't simply that their leaders were the
evil, psychotic men they were.  But the main problem, I think was
the leader principle.
A man who holds that much power, even with the best intentions, just
can resist the urge to play God.
     -- Kirk and McCoy, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
You're from the planet Earth.  There is no persecution on your
planet.
There was persecution on Earth once; I remember reading about it in my
history class.
     -- Lokai of Cheron and Chekov, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,"
        stardate 5730.2.
*
You'll learn to care for yourselves, with our help.  And there's no
trick to putting fruit on trees; you might even enjoy it.  You'll learn
to build for yourselves, think for yourselves, and what you create is
yours.  That's what we call freedom.  You'll like it.  A lot.
     -- Kirk, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
I know this world needs help.  That's why some of my generation are
kind of crazy and rebels.  We wonder if we're going to be alive
when we're thirty.
     -- Roberta Lincoln, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
*
If change is -- inevitable -- predictable -- beneficial -- doesn't
logic demand that you be a part of it?
One man cannot summon the future.
But one man can change the present!
     -- Kirk and the Alternate Spock, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown
*
If you're speaking of worships of sorts, we represent many beliefs.
     -- McCoy, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
Only a fool would stand in the way of progress.
     -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4725.4.
*
Physical reality is consistent with universal laws.  Where the laws do
not operate, there is no reality -- we judge reality by the responses
of our senses.  Once we are convinced of the reality of a given
situation, we abide by its rules.
     -- Spock, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Physical laws simply cannot be ignored.  Existence cannot be without them.
     -- Spock, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
We exist in a universe which co-exists with a multitude of others in the
same physical space.  For certain brief periods of time, an area of
their space overlaps an area of ours.
     -- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
Possible existence of a parallel universe has been scientifically
conceded.
     -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
We estimate there are millions of planets with intelligent life.  We
haven't begun to map them.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
I remind you that humans are only a tiny minority in this galaxy.
     -- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
What are the odds in such absolute duplication of life forms in
another galaxy?
The chances are very much against it.
     -- Kirk and Spock, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Light and warmth!  That's necessary to all humanoids.
     -- Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
Without water, we're all just three or four pounds of chemicals.
     -- McCoy, "the Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
The actual theory is that all life forms evolved from the lower levels
to the more advanced stages.
     -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
A mutated, superior man could also be a wonderful thing ... the
forerunner of a new and better kind of human being!
     -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before,"
        stardate 1312.9.
*
They're [androids are] perfect.  Flawless, mentally and physically. No
weaknesses, perfectly disciplined.  No vices, no fears, no faults. Just
a sense of purpose.
     -- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
If it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime
against science.
     -- Spock, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
Instruments register only through things they're designed to register.
Space still contains infinite unknowns.
     -- Spock, "The Naked Time," stardate 1704.2.
*
Back in the twentieth century, the H-bomb was the ultimate weapon,
their doomsday machine.  And we used something like it to destroy
another doomsday machine.  Probably the first time such a weapon has
ever been used for constructive purposes.
     -- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9.
*
There are certain universal ideas and concepts common to all intelligent
life.  This device [the universal translator] instantaneously compares
the frequency of brain wave patterns, selects those ideas and concepts
it recognizes, and then provides the necessary grammar.
Then it simply translates its findings into English.
     -- Kirk and Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Earth history, remember?  Like the passenger pigeon or the buffalo ...
once there were millions of them; prairies black with them.  One herd
covered three whole states.  When they moved -- like thunder.
     -- Professor Robert Crater, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
*
As we know, the value of pi is a transcendental figure without
resolution.
     -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Less than one ounce of anti-matter here is more powerful than
ten thousand cobalt bombs.
Let's hope it's as powerful as man will ever get.
     -- Ensign Garrovick and Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
If I let go a hammer on a planet having a positive gravity, I need not
see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen.
     -- Spock, "Court Martial," stardate 2948.9.
*
Crazy way to travel.  Spreading a man's molecules all over the universe.
     -- McCoy, "Obsession," 3620.7.
*
All men are brothers.
     -- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
*
...humanity...[the] striving of man to achieve greatness through
his own resources.
     -- Anton Karidian, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2819.1.
*
To be human is also to seek pleasure.  To laugh -- to dance.
     -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Being human does have certain advantages -- being able to appreciate
the beauty of a flower, of a woman.
     -- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
... the intellect is not all -- but its cultivation must come first,
or the individual makes errors -- wastes time in unprofitable pursuits.
     -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
My people pride themselves on being the greatest, most successful
gamblers in the universe.  We compete for everything:  power, fame,
women.  Everything we desire.  And it is our nature to win!  For
proof I offer you our exploration of this galaxy.
     -- Kirk, "The gamesters of Triskelion," stardate unknown.
*
Freedom of movement and choice produced the human spirit.
     -- Dr. Brown, "What are Little Girls Made Of?" stardate 2712.4.
*
Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome.  You
remove those obstacles.  Without them to strengthen us, we will
weaken and die.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
We're the same.  We share the same history, the same heritage, the same
lives.  We're tied together beyond any untying.  Man or woman, it makes
no difference.  We're human.  We couldn't escape from each other even
if we wanted to -- that's how you do it, Lieutenant!  By remembering who
and what you are!  A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without
end.  And the only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity.
That's where your duty lies!
     -- Kirk, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
The semi-conscious mind is a tricky thing.  A man never knows just how
much is real or how much is imagination.
     -- McCoy, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
It's the custom of my people to help one another when we're in trouble.
     -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
We've each learned to be delighted with what we are.
     -- Kirk, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Where I come from, size shape or color makes no difference.
     -- Kirk, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
In our century, we've learned not to fear words.
     -- Uhura, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Now, I don't pretend to tell you how to find happiness and love, when
every day is a struggle to survive.  But I do insist that you do survive,
because the days and the years ahead are worth living for!
     -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
One day soon, man is going to be able to harness incredible energy --
maybe even the atom.  Energy that could ultimately hurl men to other
worlds in some sort of spaceship.  And the men that reach out into space
will find ways to feed the hungry millions of the world, and to cure their
diseases.  They'll be able to find a way to give each man hope and a
common future.  And those are the days worth living for.
     -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
A person's strongest dreams are about what he can't do.
     -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage), stardate unknown.
*
What is man but that lofty spirit -- that sense of enterprise.
     -- Kirk, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
No wants -- no needs?  We weren't meant for that.  None of us.  Man
stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is.
     -- Kirk, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.5.
*
Most people are afraid of being alone.
     -- Kirk, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, and
irrational fear of the unknown.  There is no such thing as the
unknown.  Only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.
     -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
No one knows how he'll act under pressure.
     -- Sulu, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
It is the nature of our species to be free.
     -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
When the personality of a human is involved, exact predictions are
hazardous.
     -- McCoy, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
Most of us are attracted by beauty and repelled by ugliness -- one of
the last of our prejudices.
     -- Kirk, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
We faced a crisis in our earlier nuclear age.  We found the wisdom not
to destroy ourselves.
     -- Kirk, "return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
We all have our darker side.  We need it; it's half of what
we are.  It's not really ugly, it's human.
     -- McCoy, "The Enemy Within," stardate 1673.5.
*
We humans have a streak of barbarism in us -- appalling, but
there nevertheless.
     -- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome [than a sense of
purpose], even among humans.
     -- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million
Earth-type planets.  And in all of the universe, three million, million
galaxies like this.  But in all of that, and perhaps more, only one
of each of us.
     -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.9.
*
Maybe we weren't meant for Paradise.  Maybe we were meant to fight our
way through.  Struggle.  Claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the
way.  Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lutes.  We must march
to the sound of drums.
     -- Kirk, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
*
We are not killers.
     -- Chekov, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.6.
*
To us, killing is murder, even for revenge.
     -- Kirk, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
When a man feels guilty about something -- something too terrible to
remember -- he blots it out of his conscious memory.
     -- McCoy, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3614.9.
*
We've come a long way in five thousand years.
But you're still of the same nature.
     -- Kirk and Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
We're a most promising species, Mr. Spock, as predators go.  Did you
know that?
I frequently have my doubts.
I don't.  Not any more.  And maybe in a thousand years or so, we'll be
able to prove it.
     -- Kirk and Spock, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
Mankind has no need for gods.  We find the One quite adequate.
     -- Kirk, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
We think of ourselves as the most powerful beings in the universe.
It's unsettling to discover that we're wrong.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3210.7.
*
We all are vulnerable, in one way or another.
     -- Kirk, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
We prefer to help ourselves.  We make mistakes, but we're human --
and maybe that's the word that best explains us.
     -- Kirk, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
"Let me help."  A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous
novelist will write a classic using that theme.  He'll recommend those
three words even over "I love you."
     -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
Mankind -- ready to kill.
That's the way it was in 1881.
I wonder how humanity managed to survive?
We overcame our instinct for violence.
     -- Spock and Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Man is not just a biological unit that you can patch together.
     -- McCoy, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
I speak of rights!  A machine has none; a man must.  If you do not
grant him that right, you have brought us down to the level of the
machine; indeed, you have elevated that machine above us!
     -- Samuel T. Cogley, "Court Martial," stardate 2949.9.
*
Your will to survive, your love of life, your passion to know ...
Everything that is truest and best in all species of beings has been
revealed to you.  Those are the qualities that make a civilization
worthy to survive.
     -- Lai the Vian, "The Empath," stardate 5121.5.
*
Those pressures are everywhere -- in everyone, urging him to what you
call "savagery."  The private hells -- the inner needs and mysteries --
the beast instinct.  As human beings, that is the way it is.  To be
human is to be complex.  You can't avoid a little ugliness -- from
within -- and from without.
     -- Kirk, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
They used to say, if man could fly, he'd have wings.  But he did fly;
he discovered he had to.  Do you wish that the first Apollo mission
hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and
then to the nearest star?  That's like saying you wish that you still
operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut, like your
great, great, great-grandfather used to do ... Dr. McCoy is right in
pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life
and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this.  But I must point out
that the possibilities -- the potential for knowledge and advancement is
equally great.  Risk -- risk is our business.
     -- Kirk, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
Improve a mechanical device and you may double productivity.  But
improve man, you gain a thousandfold.
     -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3142.8.
*
The time is past.  There is no room for gods.
     -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
The [human] species is capable of much affection.
     -- Deela the Scalosian, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
That's [growing old] been happening to men and women for a long time.
I've got the feeling it's one of the pleasanter things about being
human, as long as you grow old together.
     -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
You have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind, or to
examine, in Earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man.  His
negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence; and his
positive side, which Earth people express as compassion, love,
tenderness.  And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader?
We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him
strong -- that his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and
disciplined, is vital to his strength.  Your negative side, removed
from you, the power of command begins to elude you.
     -- Spock, "The Enemy Within," stardate 1673.1.
*
Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling.
No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is
still a certain exhilaration in the risk.
     -- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
In critical moments men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.
     -- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose --
and excluding that which is painful.
     -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
It does often seem that man must fight to live.
     -- Flavius Maximus, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
*
... aloneness.  You are so alone.  You live out your lives in the
shell of flesh, self-contained, separate.  How lonely you are; how
terribly lonely.
     -- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock), "Is There In
        Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
Humans smile with so little provocation.
     -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Curios, how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
     -- Spock, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
... primitive structure [Scotty].  Insufficient safeguards built in.
Breakdown can occur from many causes.  Self-maintenance systems low
reliability.
     -- Nomad, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
Where did your race get this ridiculous predilection for resistance. You
examine any object; you question everything.
     -- Korob from Pyris VII, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
This thing you call language, though; most remarkable.  You depend
on it for so very much.  But is there any one of you really its master?
     -- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock), "Is There In
        Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
You [humans] are, after all, essentially irrational.
     -- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
Oh, how absolutely typical of your species!  You don't understand
something so you become fearful.
     -- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
These shells in which we have encased ourselves -- they have such
heightened senses.  To feel, to hear, to smell.  How do humans manage to
exist in these fragile cases?
     -- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
There are many aspects of human irrationality I do not yet comprehend.
Obsession, for one.  The persistent single-minded fixation on one idea.
     -- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3619.6.
*
Do you know that you're one of the few predator species that preys
even on itself?
     -- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
Earthment like Rameses, Alexander, Ceasar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan.
Your whole Earth history is made up of men seeking absolute power.
     -- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
Man is ultimately superior to any mechanical device.
     -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have
free run of the galaxy.
     -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Your species is self-destructive.
     -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
[The people of Vaal] have taken their first step [towards achieving
true human stature].  They've learned to kill.
     -- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
Earthmen fear to bargain honestly.
     -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
You like to think of yourselves as complex creatures, but you're flawed.
One gains admittance to your minds through many levels.  You have too
many to keep track of yourselves.  There are unguarded entrances to
any human mind.
     -- Sylvia of Pyris VII, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
Sparing your helpless enemy who surely would have destroyed you, you
demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy, something we hardly expected.
We feel that there may be hope for your kind.  Therefore you will
not be destroyed.  It would not be civilized.
     -- The Metron, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
...hesitation ... is an hereditary trait of your species, and
suddenly faced by the unknown, or imminent danger, a human will
invariably experience a split second of indecision.  He hesitates.
     -- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
You [humans] find it easier to understand the death of one than the
death of a million.
     -- Spock, "The Immunity Syndrome," stardate 4307.1.
*
You striving, bickering, foolishly brave humans.
     -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and
desires are not fulfilled.
     -- Spock, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Humans are very peculiar.  I often find them unfathomable, but an
interesting psychological study.
     -- Spock, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
You are still half-savage -- but there is hope.
     -- The Metron, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
A lie is a very poor way to say hello.
     -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
Hours can be centuries
     -- Vanna the Troglyte, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0.
*
Be pleasant no matter how much it hurts.
     -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5.
*
Parents like stupid things.
     -- Don of the Starnes Expedition, "And The Children Shall Lead,"
        stardate 5029.5.
*
I think children have an instinctive need for adults; they want to
be told right and wrong.
     -- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
*
A room should reflect its occupant.
     -- Kirk, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
A library serves no purpose unless someone is using it.
     -- Mr. Atoz of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.7.
*
Sailor's luck, Mr. Spock.  Or as one of Finable's Laws puts it: "Any
home port the ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine!"
     -- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
In the long history of medicine, no doctor has ever caught the first
few minutes of a play.
     -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2919.8.
*
We're immortal, we gods.  The Earth changed.  Your fathers changed.
They turned away, until we were only memories.  A god cannot survive
as a memory.  We need love, admiration, worship, as you need food.
     -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Nobody helps nobody but himself!
     -- Bela Oxmyx, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
Make the most of an uncertain future.  Enjoy yourself today.  Tomorrow
may never come at all.
     -- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2125.7.
*
It isn't a bad life to have everyone in the universe at your beck and
call, and you win all the arguments.
     -- Kirk, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
*
I don't trust men who smile too much.
     -- Commander Kor the Klingon, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals.  As far back
as the sabertooth tiger.
     -- Spock, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
Sometimes pain can drive a man harder than pleasure.
     -- Kirk, "the Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
The most cooperative man in this world is a dead man.
     -- Bela Oxmyx, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
The trigger has been pulled.  We've got to get there before the
hammer falls.
     -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
Hot as Vulcan.
     -- McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
May the Great Bird of the galaxy bless your planet.
     -- Sulu, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.4.
*
We shield it [the Vulcan mating rite] with ritual and custom shrouded
in antiquity.  You humans have no conception.  It strips our minds from
us.  It brings a madness which rips away the veneer of civilization.
It is the "pon farr" -- the time of mating.
     -- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
We have always fought.  We must; we are hunters ... tracking and taking
what we need.  There are poor planets in the Klingon systems ... we
must push outward if we are to survive.
     -- Mara, the wife of the Klingon Commander, "Day of the Dove,"
        stardate unknown.
*
I suppose most of us overlook that fact that even Vulcans aren't
indestructible.
     -- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
I have heard of the Vulcan integrity and personal honor.  There is a
well-known saying, or is it a myth, that Vulcans are incapable of lying.
     -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Too much love is dangerous
Cupid's arrow kills Vulcans
     -- Dionyd and Eraclitus, the Platonians, "Plato's Stepchildren,"
        stardate 5784.3.
*
As a Vulcan you will study it [Romulan society].  As a human, you
would find ways to appreciate it.
     -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Hope -- I always thought that was a human failing, Mr. Spock?
True, Doctor.  Constant exposure does result in a certain degree
of contamination.
     -- McCoy and Spock, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
In the distant past Vulcans killed to win their mates.
And they still go mad at this time.  Perhaps the price they pay for
having no emotions the rest of the time.
     -- Kirk and McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Their [the Klingon's] empire is made up of conquered worlds.  They take
what they want by arms and force.
     -- Kirk, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
At least we'll be away from all this openness.  No, this is too strange
for us.  We are creatures of outer space.  Soon, we will be safe in
the comforting closeness of walls.
     -- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Captain, we can control the Federation as easily as we can control you.
The fate of the inferior in any galaxy.
     -- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Our people are warriors, often savage, but we are also many other
pleasant things.
     -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
They're offering you a chance for combat.  They consider it
more pleasurable than love.
     -- McCoy, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
We found them totally uninterested in medical aid or hospitals.  They
believe that only the strong should survive.
     -- McCoy, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
This troubled planet [Ardana] is a place of most violent contrasts --
those who receive the rewards are totally separated from those who
shoulder the burdens.  It is not a wise leadership.
     -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
We believe men should fight their own battles.  Only the weak will die.
    -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
Tellarites do no argue for reasons; they simply argue.
     -- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
To us, violence is unthinkable.
     -- Ayleborne of Organia, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
A truly advanced planet wouldn't use force.  They wouldn't come here
in strange alien forms.
     -- Gary Seven, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
*
Joy can be many things.
     -- Dr. Miranda Jones, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
What is it in you humans that requires an overwhelming display of
emotion in a situation such as this?  Two men pursue the only reasonable
course of action indicated, and yet you feel that something else is
necessary.
     -- Spock, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
You thought I was taking your woman away from you.  You're jealous.
You tried to kill me with your bare hands.  Would a Kelvan do that?
Would he have to?  You're reacting with the emotions of a human.
You are human.
     -- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
This is loneliness?  What a bitter thing ... it's so sad.  How do you
bear it, this loneliness?
     -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford/The Companion, "Metamorphosis,"
        stardate 3220.3.
*
What is loneliness?
It is a thirst ... it is a flower, dying in a desert ...
     -- Reena Kapec and Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Do you know what it's like  alone, really alone? [They gave me] weapons,
shelter, food -- everything I needed to live -- except companionship ...
to send me here alone -- if that is not death, what is?
     -- Zarabeth of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.9.
*
What is it like to feel pain?
It is like ... when you see that people have no hope of happiness ...
you feel great despair ... your heart is heavy because you know you
can do nothing ... pain is like that.
     -- Hodin and Odona of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Jealousy has often been a motive for murder.
     -- Kirk, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3614.9.
*
Offense is a human emotion.
     -- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
... motivations of passion or gain -- those are reasons for murder.
     -- Shras, the Andorian Ambassador, "Journey to Babel," stardate
         3842.2.
*
Anger is a relative state.
     -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Worry is a human emotion.
     -- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Deriving sustenance from emotion is not unknown in the galaxy.  And fear
is among the strongest and most violent of the emotions.
     -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Desperation is a highly emotional state of mind.
     -- Kirk, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things
you've already made up your mind about.
     -- Spock, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
Monsters come in many forms.  And do you know the greatest monster
of them all?  Guilt.
     -- McCoy, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
We humans are full of unpredictable emotions that logic cannot solve.
     -- Kirk, "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" stardate 2712.4.
*
Threats are illogical.
     -- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Respect is a rational process.
     -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
You are not Morg.  You are not Eymorg.
     -- Kara the Eymorg, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
Brain. Brain. What is brain?
     -- Kara the Eymorg, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
She could have had as fulfilling a life as any woman.  If only... if only.
     -- Kirk, "Turnabout Intruder," stardate 5923.5.
*
Forget.
     -- Spock, "Requiem for Methusalah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Ack

- Cal Gardner

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*